I will probably never know what it is that triggers thoughts suddenly, sending them flying from somewhere in the depths of your brain as far forth as possible and causing you suddenly to remember them with as much detail as if it were the day on which it happened. Sometimes these flashbacks push on the backs of your eyes, making it nearly impossible for you to fight back tears; other times, they're pleasant memories that leave you hiding sudden gigantic smiles... Surely you don't want whoever you're with to think you belong in the loony bin.
Tonight flashbacks merely allowed a blanket of uneasiness to wrap me in a deceitful embrace. The drive home was exactly what I needed, however. Sometimes it does me good to have even a half hour to myself to tuck my worries back into the crevices of me from which they crawled. It allows me to maintain my fearless, independent reputation in front of a crowd... or to try to create one, anyways. Maybe I'm pathetic... I probably am, but it's the only way I've ever known to handle myself.
I also started thinking today how hard it's been for me to open myself up to somebody that's only ever had the biggest heart and the best intentions. Once I begin thinking about that, my mind shifts to how unatrractive that must be on my part. I hate that I put you through this alongside myself. I hate that because it's hard for me to finally accept somebody so genuinely respective of me(now that I've actually found one), it's probably punishment for you because I'm not ever sure how to offer you the same thoughtfulness in return... though you deserve even more than that.
Maybe sometime I'd like to talk about it. Today I should have, but I didn't want to get into it with not much time to spare.
Just know that I'm doing my best, but it's hard not to get overwhelmed once in a while. I'm working on learning how to handle it a little better as well.
I promise.
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