My Bucket List!

1. Find and play the giant piano featured in the movie Big

2. Take a camping trip with my friends

3. Receive a love letter! ♥

4. Toss pizza dough in the air like a pro.

5.Spin a globe, put my finger on a spot, then board a plane headed there.

6. Race an ostrich.

7. Land on water in a seaplane.

8. Try out zip-lining.

9. Learn to barrel race.

10. Visit Seattle, Washington and camp/kayak through the San Juan Islands.

11. Be an extra in a movie.

12. Win a game of strip poker.

13. Visit the Wailing Wall in Jerusalem and tuck a prayer of mine between the bricks.

14.Teach a child to walk.

15. Make it to my 20 year high school reunion.

16. Learn to drive a motorcycle.

17. Have my own "secret recipe."

18. Inspire somebody.

19. Live in a house with an unobstructed view of the mountains. I'd leave the doors and windows open every day, all day long. I love that crisp air.

20. Own a red jeep with a "Life Is Good" tire cover.

21. Turn my lawn into a field of daisies.

22. Go to Albuquerque's balloon festival.

23. Kiss the Blarney Stone.

24. Own something "lucky" ...a lucky hat,underwear,socks,something,anything!

25. Take a drive down Lombard Street in San Francisco.

26. Write a book that becomes a best seller.

27. Go horseback riding through the Blue Ridge Parkway.

28. Milk a cow.

29. Walk out of a dull, pointless meeting...just get up, and walk out.

30.Try out my luck in one of the Cash Grab Machines.



...Turns out I didn't have a whole lot of luck. My grand prize totaled... TWO DOLLARS! I took the money and treated myself to a slurpee on my way home from my classes. Woo!

31. Visit the Grand Ole Opry.

32. Volunteer with children in need.

33. Compete in Pine Island's "Mullet Toss"

34. Eat dessert without guilt.

35. Take a ballroom dancing class.

36. Visit the "border between Heaven and Earth" in Brazil.

37. Write a speech about something I feel passionately about.

38. Spend my 21st in the Florida Keys ;)

39. Study abroad

40. Write a letter to an old friend when it would be so much easier to call or text.


41. Explore the Everglades by air boat.

42. Get my gun license.

43. Take a kickboxing class.

44. Solve a mystery.

45. Build a tree house.

46. Be able to give somebody all they've ever wanted.

47. Spend a week in a South Carolina beach house with all of my friends.

48. Have a crazy weekend in Vegas.

49. Try a wild game burger

50. Attend flying trapeze classes.

51. Pay off all of my parent's bills.

52. Be a driver in a stock car race.

53. See the ball drop in NYC on New Years Eve

54. Look good in a bikini.

55. Raise an animal that protects and comes to love me most.

56. Find something to smile about every day.

57. Attend the ACM's.

58. Never let the passion of my relationship die out. I want to be as crazy about my husband 30 years down the road as the first time we kissed. I don't want to forget about all the sweet surprises we find for each other, either.

59. Decorate my home with artifacts from the countries I've visited and the very pictures I've taken of those places.

60. Be able to walk into a particular restaurant one day and order "the usual."

61.Discover and change my worst personality trait.

62. Pick wild blueberries and make muffins.

63. Become a part of an organization in which I can volunteer and associate with throughout my life.
Florida 4H & Delta Delta Delta

64. Commit to something wholeheartedly.

65. Read a new book every month for a year.

66. Successfully keep a garden alive. I want fresh flowers in my house every day.

67. Start a food fight.

68. See the dinosaur footprints in the Grand Canyon.

69. Get SCUBA certified

70. Become a mother to children that adore me.

71. Learn CPR.

72. Look up my ancestor's names in the Immigration Records at Ellis Island

73. Win a wishbone pull.

74. Be kissed while on the big screen at a sporting event.

75. Go on a hay-ride.

76. Hit a home run.

77. Do something that my friends would describe as utterly unlike me.

78. Be an "honored guest" at an event.

79. See the Northern Lights.

80. Have a snowball fight.

81. Put my hand prints in wet cement.

82. Graduate college

83. Write a thank you letter to somebody who has influenced me.

84. Learn to use chopsticks properly.

85. Learn to play an instrument

86. Cut down my own Christmas tree.

87. Become a triathlete.

88. Be kissed on the Spanish Steps in Rome as hundreds of people try to crowd past and make their way up or down.

89. Ride a mechanical bull.

90. Learn to say "I Love You" in 10 different languages.

91. Go on a mission trip.

92. Go skydiving!

93. Read the Bible cover to cover in a year

94. Get a complete make over.

95. Hit bulls eye on a dartboard.

96. Have my own personal library/writing office in my future home.

97. Visit Alcatraz.

98. Catch fireflies in a mason jar.

99. Be an audience member on Ellen Degenere's show... and DANCE!

100. Rock climb

I love you, Daddy.

Everytime I hear this song I think of my Dad and I. Specifically the pictures of Dad and I in Dallas jerseys together, or in the hammock...me with my Fisherprice binoculars lying beside him with his real binoculars, and even all of the pictures he took of us in his old office... I'd always be hanging from his neck laughing and he'd have the biggest smile.

Don't have my big black notebook...so here's a blog:

Tonight I looked over at Justin while he was singing "Baby Keep Smiling" by Lou Bega. We were in the car, on our way to meet up with some family of his that was in town, no big deal, but I could not take my eyes off him. The cutest smile I've ever seen spread across his face and those bright blue eyes lit up as he sang out every note. He looked in my direction and I could feel my cheeks turn pink. Almost a year down the road and my stomach still turns to butterflies. He sings a song, he does the "Pants Dance," he talks in a funny accent or impersonates someone we each know, and I can't help but smile. And not one of those cheesy smiles we do to please a guest when they're telling us a story about their Christmas, or some other event that we really care nothing about, and not even one of those half-assed grins we give the AFV videos that come on late at night...but a genuine smile so massive my cheeks will even begin to ache. It's one of those smiles that make your whole face light up...you radiate, and everyone can see that you are head over heels in love. And I am! Sometimes I feel like spinning in circles, singing louder than the radio to all my favorite love songs, jumping up and down, and telling everyone.. It's overwhelming! But of course, I don't want to be taken away to the loony bin ( Or worse, compared to Tom Cruise's couch-jumping on Oprah's show) so on nights like tonight, when I'm feeling especially blessed to have a boyfriend that gives out maybe a few too many compliments, kisses me at exactly the right moment, or says just the right thing... I turn on this song. It's EXACTLY how I feel about him in ever way. Nobody can make me happier than that boy can.

Love Always Means The Most...

"Can I ask you something that's been on my mind for a while now?"-Mom
"Sure.." -Nicole
"...What are your plans for college?" -M
"What do you mean?" -N
"You used to talk all the time about leaving town and going up to Tallahassee or Gainesville, sometimes even about going to Tennessee and it seems like for the past 4 or 5 months you haven't really mentioned it at all." -M
"yeah?" -N
"Well I'm just wondering what you're going to do. Are you finally deciding to stay here around Naples and go to FGCU or Edison, or have you just stopped talking about it because you've had your mind made up about moving since you were little?!" -M
" I don't really know. To be truthful, I think about it every day. And every day that goes by I get more and more nervous because I know that I don't have long to make a decision." -N
"It's Justin isn't it?" -M
"Of course it is. I don't want to leave him. It scares me to death to imagine saying goodbye. But at the same time, I've wanted to go away for so long. I feel guilty that I'm still debating staying because I feel like I owe it to him to stay, to give him a girlfriend that can be here for him every day. And at the same time I feel like he owes me some freedom to do all that I've ever dreamed of. But where do you draw the line in love? Where does "for me" stop and "for him" start, or vice versa? And does it even matter? ...I feel like I'll be partially unsatisfied no matter in which direction I head." -N
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHA." -M
"That was not meant to be funny. I'm serious!" -N
"Do you remember when you were a freshman and you told me that no guy would ever hold you back? You told me that love could wait, and that you had goals in life to tend to first of all. And I always told you it'd be a whole different story when you fell in love..."-M
"haha, shut up. You're such a smartass..you're right though."-N
" I always told you that your plans would change but you were determined to hold them so close to heart. Now look at you.. You know you're not going to end up going anywhere. And not becuase you don't want to anymore, but because you can't bring yourself to say goodbye, even if it is only for a few months. You've got it bad for him. I can tell." -M
"You can say that again." -N
"Well, maybe he'll be the one some day, or maybe he won't. You two are good together now, but you also have a lot of goals. If you can compromise, great. And if not, you do what means more to you and I'll support you one hundred percent." -M
"My heart is a scary thing to gamble with, but I'm fairly certain I'll make the right decision in the end." -N

When you ring the doorbell

and I don't answer the first time...
what makes you think I'll answer it the second time?
...or third?


I don't even care that you can see me.








I'm too busy snuggling with my baby B!

This is what Jeffie and I do

when we're bored on Thursday nights...

Fallen Humanity

There are people in my life who I used to look up to. Used to see as inspirational because of what I perceived as their passion for morality. Used to consider heroes because of their proclaimed belief in the duty of every person to stand up for what they believe in, even while the rest of society is giving in to temptation.

I don't anymore.

Look up to them, that is. Because... suddenly... or not so suddenly... I see what they truly are beneath the mask of good judgement. I see their fear of gossip. I see how they claim that they live without drugs, without alcohol, without random hookups and one night stands... but they claim this only for others. They're lying to themselves and hoping the rest of us see through their flimsy disguise so as to protect their reputation. And this attempt to escape the truth shows me that they are not heroes any longer. Just fallen humanity, so lost and scared that they feel they must hurt to be heard.

Because I said so ♥

Johnny: And I love that you have this insane way of talking in circles that makes perfect sense.
Milly: I do? Cause sometimes I feel like nobody understands me. But...
Johnny: But Me... I get you.

Love Yourself :)

"Later that day I got to thinking about relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you that you love...well, that's just fabulous." -Carrie, Sex and the City

Hmm...

"All the elements for your happiness are already here.

There's no need to run,

strive, search or struggle. Just be."

:)

This tattoo would belong to Justin if he didn't have such a fear of needles.

A lesson learned young and applied recently.

I have always liked to cook.
I've never been too good at it, but I have always liked it.
Around the time that I was six or seven years old, my Grandma decided to take it upon herself to teach me everything she knew. I would stand on a chair in her kitchen so that I was tall enough to reach the counter, and I'd help her to stir the soup, shake in small amounts of spices, and of course, to sample everything.
Sometimes I'd stick my fingers in the pot and grab out the carrots when she wasn't looking. When she happened to catch sight of me doing so, she'd scoop out a few and put them in a bowel and sit me up on the counter. As I sat licking my tiny fingers clean and swinging my short legs, I watched intently as she dumped in various ingrediants. It amazed me to watch her cook.
She was always so confident in anything she made. She'd pick up pepper, salt, garlic, chili powder...anything she could find really... and she'd just throw some in. She never measured a thing, and yet, she never seemed concerned that it wouldn't be delicious either.
Eventually I worked my way up to cooking meals on my own, and throwing in my own ingrediants at random. When she'd find me a bit hesitant to throw in more than a pinch of certain spices, my Grandma would urge me to be more "risky."
I guess I had never thought of cooking as a chance to be "risky," but I liked the idea as soon as it was mentioned, and began dumping in anything I could get my hands on. It felt good too. That is, until I took a taste. My nose burned from the amount of vinegar I had dumped in, and my eyes swelled with tears realizing that I had ruined the soup I had been so proud of.
But my Grandma came to my rescue with a bottle of lemon juice she had found hidden somewhere deep within the refridgerator. Surprisingly, it's acidic composition negated all traces of the vinegar. She wiped a few tears from my eyes, spooned out some of my creation, and gave me a taste... it was GREAT.

Last night, after a heart-felt conversation full of confessions, these memories of cooking with my Grandma flooded my mind. I laid awake for hours on end, searching for meaning, until an underlying lesson became apparent... My Grandma taught me much more than how to make a simple meal on that day. She had taught me that sometimes in life you've just got to throw in everything you can without caring much about the consequences.

I feel as though I finally understand what she had been trying to teach me all along only now that the conversation I had last night took place. I couldn't grasp it's full meaning until I found myself in a situation for which it applied. Now I realize that just like cooking, love also requires great risk.

In past relationships... with guys, friends, even family... I have been pressured. I have been insulted. I have been put through more than anybody could ever imagine... by even people that I thought were supposed to love me. Those past experiences had knocked me down. They'd made me self conscious, worrisome, and even spiteful. Instead of allowing myself to become vulnerable again, I put up a certain sort of wall... a wall that made it almost impossible for me to completely open up to anyone. I guess I hadn't realized that I had done so until Justin called me out on it during our conversation last night. The more and more I thought about it, the more sense it made to me. He was absolutely right. My past relationships with people were always ones that I threw my all into. Unfortunately, a lot of those didn't end quite so respectively and so I quit allowing myself to put my whole heart into relationships. I was so afraid of being hurt again.

Love is something that should be approached with reckless abandon though. It's all about handing somebody your whole heart, knowing that they have the power to break it in half, but trusting them not to. A few mistakes in the past might leave you with a few fears for the future, but that should never stop you from living in the moment. You've got to give people the benefit of the doubt... throw in everything you've got, and love endlessly. If you should happen to have too much "vinegar", or too many problems, in the end there's always some kind of solution. But don't let that fear keep you from making your move, or even being yourself.

I promise that from now on, I will be making significant changes in my life now that I realize how much I have been holding back.
I will be opening up considerably to the ones that I love most. I will no longer judge myself with those same insulting remarks that I've heard from others in the past. And I will no longer hold back in fear.

I'm giving this life everything I've got. Prepare yourself.

WEAR SUNSCREEN

In my opinion, this is the best speech ever written.

The apology I got after the world's cruelest joke.

I was standing outside talking on my cell phone, mad as hell, and when I looked up to the sliding glass doors, this is what I saw.

This is goodbye.

It seems as if I have hit a bump in the road, and so I will be spending time away from blogspot until I find some sort of resolve. I'm not sure if this will take only a matter of days, or something more serious such as a matter of months. I'm not even really sure if I will be back at all, but for those of you that keep checking back anyways, I appreciate you.
(Except you, Jeffrey... I really hate you today.)

This is goodbye.

The 2 highlights of my day:

1. I don't really know where in our conversation Justin and I fell asleep, but I awoke around 4 pm to find that we had been sharing a pillow, our noses nearly touching and Justin's arm across my back. He had a strong hold on my shoulder as he pulled me close. I laid there a few minutes, a smile spread across my face, thinking about what I'd give to wake up like that every morning. Finally I decided I'd better leave so I didn't wake him. I lifted his arm gently and slipped out from beneath it to leave him to his nap.
2. After he awoke, the following conversation took place.


Justin: "I've gotta start heading home, babe."
Nicole: "You sure?"
Justin: "You wanna come with me?"
Nicole: "You know I can't."
Justin: "Sure you can. We'll run away."
Nicole: " ...and where do you suggest we run to?"
Justin: "Well, how much money do you have?"
Nicole: "2 dollars and 13 cents."
Justin: "hmm. Combined with what I have, we still don't have enough to get us very far but I'll make you a deal."
Nicole: "Let's hear it."
Justin: "We'll put all our spare change in an old box and we'll save it up to run away together...just the two of us. We won't tell anybody where we're headed, or when we're leaving."
Nicole: "I'm gonna hold you to that."

What makes this even better is that it was all whispered as I sat with my back to Justin, his arms around me in that blue-ish sort of light you only find right before the sunset.

:)

cheers to being oblivious!

Holy canoley. Boy, if you don't have something for your blog tonight... you have no feelings, and thus, no soul.

Life has taken a 180!... stopped me dead in my tracks, spun me around a few times until I was dizzy and incompetent, and left me stumbling backwards, away from all plans I had previously made. And all of this as the result of a single phone call! It went something along the lines of, "Nicole- I'm out of the NAVY... not required to fulfill any previous obligations. In fact, I'm planning on moving to Naples by the end of the summer, and going to school there to become a chef."

I wish that I weren't so burnt out on writing because I really do have a lot to say about the matter. However, for now the most I can promise to summon up is a list of questions I find myself with...

1. What does this entail for Justin and I as a couple?
For as long as we've been dating, even before then, I have known that at some point or another Justin would be forced to pack up his things and leave. I didn't necessarily look forward to having him leave me behind, but I did look forward to the adventures he'd embark on and the stories he'd come home to me with. He used to tell me that he planned to be together even throughout his time away with the NAVY. I regarded that as a guaranteed 4 years. Strange as it may sound, this comforted me because I actually figured that his time away would help us to understand just how blessed we were to have one another. Now I find myself anxious to find out what will become of us in the long run without this reminder to be appreciative.

2. What if I'm the one leaving?
I also had considered the fact that with Justin gone, leaving for college would be much easier than it would be if he were here tempting me to stay at home. This stubborn side of me has been desperate to convince my parents for years that no boy would ever be enough to keep me here at home rather than out accomplishing my goals. They laughed in my face, and I never could make sense of it. It all makes sense to me now though. They understood love all along, and I hadn't any idea.

3. What does this mean for my own goals?
This becomes an increasingly desperate question as my senior year rolls around and I am forced to make decisions about college and my plans for "the real world." I mean, these decisions will have a considerable impact on the course of my life! That's intimidating.
I have high hopes for my own success, however. I plan to graduate with honors. I plan to write a powerful speech for my own graduation ceremony and have it approved by our principal. I plan to attend college (though I now have narrowed my preferences to either Tallahassee for FSU's film and broadcasting program, or nearby Orlando for Full Sail's film and production program.) I plan to move out of my house within my first couple years of graduating. I plan to have an impressing career doing something I love.
But above all, I plan to laugh, live, and make the most of myself. I deserve it.

I want to believe that Justin will respect these plans, and wait for me as I complete them, even if that means I'll be leaving Naples behind.
Who am I to even ask this of anyone, though?
Suppose I did work up the nerve to ask... love has no guarantees either, leaving the decision an impossible one to make with complete confidence.
Justin could just as well decide that he's changed his mind and is tired of waiting.

This entangled web of thoughts got the best of me for nearly an hour and a half.
The next thing I considered was the possibility of putting love above all else...

4. Love is always supposed to come first, right?
Does this mean that I stick around Naples and go to FGCU so that we can remain together, or does this apply to his side of the deal, implying that we should respect one another's goals and find a way to be together despite the challenges we're presented with?

5. WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH THE CUTE SHIRT I MADE?... "THE NAVY MAY HAVE MY SAILOR, BUT I HAVE HIS HEART"
damn it. hahah

It seems as though no matter how hard you try to plan your life, it will twist, wriggle, and turn, until the unexpected occurs and you're left clueless once again. I suppose that's the beauty of it.
Cheers to being oblivious... it kept my baby right where he belongs!

SEXY.

I seduce ducks from time to time.

I need help

and I don't know who to ask for it from.

So much at ease.

"Look at that. I told the cashier 35 dollars worth of gas, and that's exactly how much filled up my truck. I know what my baby needs!" -Justin
I rolled my eyes.
"I know what both of my babies need." -Justin (as he set his hand on my leg)
"Oh please." -Nicole
"Really." -Justin
"Is that so? Try me. Right here, right now...."-Nicole
"Why do you always have to do that?" -Justin
"what?" -Nicole
"Prove me wrong." -Justin
"Because I've been throwing you bones all day and you still haven't picked up on this one. Looks like I'm gonna have to come right out and say it..." -Nicole

...Although it may stir uneasiness from time to time, I can not even begin to explain tonight just how grateful I am for the relationship I have with Justin. It really is nice to be able to talk to him about anything that we ever come across.
It was even nicer to hear him remind me that I never have to beat around the bush or be nervous to bring something up. That's why we're together... we understand one another.

I have a feeling that I will sleep easy tonight having gotten so much off my chest.
:)

Thank you for that.

holy crap, Kristi, you walk weird.

You must have trust.

"Sometimes you cannot believe what you see, you have to believe what you feel. And if you are ever going to have other people trust you, you must feel that you can trust them too- even when you're completely in the dark."

Last night I heard something that completely took me by surprise. Hell, I posted a "wtf and a half." I don't even know what that means! I won't get into the specifics but I will include that the information I heard made me question my trust in one of my closest friends. I stumbled upon the above quote this morning after I had had some time to cool off, however. It was at that exact moment that I was bombarded with memories of my friend's heartfelt confession- tone, posture, and all. I felt his saddened gaze all over again, silently begging me to understand...And I realized, I do believe him.
You have to trust in those few things that can put you at ease rather than every unsubstantiated rumor you come across. You must have trust.

On her mind...

She knew there were a lot of things she would forget once he left but
the fit of that camouflage hat
the smell of his neck as he turned his head
the sound of his voice as he whispered to her
the way he looked at her when he told her she was crazy
that outstretched smile he rarely went without
and those bright blue eyes, blazing with innocence
would never be one of them.

Don't mess with me.

I am merely a girl with a voice, the nerve, and a revolutionary stance that probably causes more problems than it solves; but for as long as there is this little bit of fight and scrap left in me- I will stand up for myself. This laughter, this independence, this foolishness, confidence, intelligence, and strength... I am the sum of these parts, and for that, I am also proud.

Yearbook 0707

I am currently sitting in yearbook beside Jenni, laughing at the awkward poses and expressions captured in a folder of mostly candid's.



Funny thing is... I just met Ben at church on Sunday.

Exactly how I'd like to be remembered...

"Oh yes, Nicole... She made a spectacle of herself on a regular basis, mostly because she loved to hear people laugh. It made her laugh, as well, and her smile was one that she couldn't help but pass around a room. Everybody seemed to pick it up. She liked adventures and so she was constantly taking risks, and trying new things. To be honest, she lived with a continual spontanuity...she thrived off of it really. She let nothing stand in the way of her and her dreams, and she truly enjoyed life."

yeah right, kid.

I almost died laughing when Chrissy suggested I buy more "Navy wear" for Justin.

no words left to blog.

I sat down with every intention of admitting just how overwhelmed I was last night, but the fact of the matter is that I am still speechless.

All I can say is, what a feeling.

Happy Valentines Day...

It seems as if starting my diet on time didn't matter anyways because I had my fair share of indulgences today ;)
Thanks for ALL of them, babe.
1. A dozen long stemmed red roses personally delivered to me by this world's cutest boy.

2. Dinner at P.F. Changs... and not even just dinner, but a dinner big enough to last me for about three days.
3. Double dessert because they made two by mistake.
4. My fortune cookie's message: "There's a good chance of a romantic encounter soon."
5. God only knows how many sweet kisses.
6. One fun game of I-Spy
7. And a night spent watching one of our favorite movies, Major Payne.

On a scale from 1 to 10, I'd say it was about a 35.
....He's just that sweet.

I rode this!

The conversation that took place while we were sitting still at the top, waiting for the others to be seated on their end...
(all while screaming because we were sitting on opposite sides)
Nicole: Jimmy, I just hate you.
Jimmy just laughing hysterically.
Nicole:I just really hate you because you talk me into the STUPIDEST things.
Jimmy: Are you crying?
Nicole: Almost
Jimmy laughs some more.
Nicole: you're a douche bag.
Jimmy: I'm only laughing because you do this EVERY time and you always end up liking whatever it is I dragged you into.
Nicole: I don't care. I hate you.

About 2 and a half minutes later...
Nicole: ahahahahahahahah
Jimmy: what?
Nicole: I changed my mind.
Jimmy: I told you.
Nicole: but I still hate you. My mind's set on that.
Jimmy: I don't care you're weird. No offense.
Nicole: I was kidding
Jimmy: I was too..... I don't really care if you take offense to that.


hahah, what a day.
Waking up at 8
Lunch with my babe for his birthday
I'm really glad Justin's grandmother got her baked potato or it might not have ended up to be such a good experience ;)
Back to his house to rest for a few
Seafood Festival with Jimsey...we ride the spinning strawberries and the VERY first thing that kid asked me before we got into them was...
"Is this going to be like last time where I do all the work and spin the thing and you just sit there?"
I told him no, but that's exactly how it ended up.
It was spinning so fast though that my head was thrown backwards and I was laughing so loud my chest hurt.
I'd say it was worth the hour drive to Everglades City.
After that, we hit up the fair... rode Zipper a couple times, I gave a 30 minute speech on everything you need to know about hog breeds, and 4H, we teased the turkeys, had a powdered sugar fight, watched a wrestling match, petted a wolf, and had a full out fist fight in the fair's parking lot.

All in all, I'd say it was a really good day.

A few truths...

1. I think it's a shame that so many people today are throwing away their morals. Surely they had some. Sometimes I wonder if they gave them away little by little until there was nothing left. It makes me worried that becoming that way seems guiltless at the time because you're never giving up much more than you already have so you never really realize when it gets to be too much.
2. I just learned how to stand up for myself recently. Sometimes I'm nervous that I'll meet a day on which I'm struggling to find the word, "NO"
3. I found something today...something that I think I wasn't meant to ever see...and I loved it.
4. We've switched roles when you really think about it. First you were falling fast and hard, and still waiting patiently for me to do the same...and now I believe that I've lapped you, and I'm waiting patiently for you to feel the way I do.

3 very important life lessons

On the way home from school today Nati and I were talking about another one of our life lessons, a couple actually. (We're known for these in depth life talks on the drive home so get used to hearing about them.) Today's subjects were learning to love the ones that are always there for you, and relying on nobody but yourself... two very contradicting subjects now that I think about it.

N2 Lesson # 3,487 - The ones we should (and most oftenly DO)learn to love are generally the one's that were there through it all:

It is often easy to overlook a friend that's always been by your side to offer you a helping hand, a crying shoulder, a couple of bucks, or anything else you may ever need. You figure that because they've always been there, they'll continue to be there. That's not always the case. It's hard to predict that any one person will always be there for you, so learning to especially appreciate the ones that DO stick around is an important first step.
Many people look for love in all the wrong places. They go out expecting to meet somebody new, somebody that will sweep them off their feet in record times. (The expectation is awfully demanding and I'm sure even they, themselves, will find it as nearly an impossible feat.)
Good friends just never seem like the right person to let into your life as anything more than just a friend, even if they have been by your side through it all. You think they can't possibly love you because they've already seen the worst in you, and that's an image you just can't erase from memory.
Maybe though that's just another reason to let them in as something more. They've seen you at your worst and they still have not screamed and run off. They've been there... in my case, offering advice to get you through rough patches with every one of your boyfriends even if they secretly envy them, at your bed side every day in that Lee Memorial hospital even if it was way out of their own way, coming by to wish you luck before your big swine show at the county fair, inspiring you to keep on pursuing your goals even amidst a pressuring society, and respecting those goals even if they don't always completely understand them.

It was about this far into our conversation that Nati started screaming..."THAT'S EXACTLY RIGHT. ALL. THE. GOOD. GUYS... THE REALLY GOOD GUYS... ARE. THERE. ALL. ALONG! IT'S SO PAINFULLY OBVIOUS THAT IT'S SO EASY TO OVERLOOK!"
She pumped her fist each time she emphasized a word, all with my poor, squishy, green octopus, Oswald, in hand.
Somewhere in the middle of her sentences I heard Oswald....
"PFFFUUFFFTTTt!"...(yup. it sounded JUST like that.)
I looked over and green goo and bits of styrofoam balls dripped from Nati's face.
I was driving about 20 mph because I was laughing so hard that I was afraid I'd have an accident if I drove any faster. I pulled over into E's parking lot so I could finish my fit of crying laughter as Nati wiped the thick, slimy, green goo around her face with her jacket sleeve and picked styrofoam pencil-eraser sized balls off the backs of her eyelids.
I honestly thought I might die of laugher as all of this happened.
My sides were killing me, tears were pouring out of my eyes, my chest felt heavy under the pressure of laughing so hard, and my heart felt as if it were beating a hundred times too fast.



Here is what remains of my squishy green friend...




N2 Lesson # 3,488
DO NOT SQUEEZE DOLLAR STORE ...
OCTO-PI? OCTOPUSES? OCTOPUSSIES!?
(If anybody could give me the correct plural form of Octopus I'd greatly appreciate it.)


N2 Lesson # 3,489 (Our final lesson of the day.)- Relying on yourself ensures a job done well.
As good as it feels to have a best friend, a boyfriend, a strong brotherly or sisterly bond, it may also be scary to give any one person so much of your trust. If you're absolutely sure that this person has your back 24/7 then there's no need to tell you that your "BFF" label is insufficient. However, keep it mind that it also feels good to do things for yourself. Sometimes the only real way to ensure a task is completed correctly is to do it yourself... and once it's done you'll feel good about yourself knowing you were able to do it independently.

You know who you are.

You could have just as easily lied to me. You could have gone and partied and I would have never known. Had I even asked about the party, I wouldn't have been so specific and a vague "It was fun" would have left me still clueless. But you didn't do that...
You didn't call me to ask for my advice, my opinion, or even my approval. You just called me to explain the situation and to tell me you decided not to go.
That's how I know you didn't do it for me. You did it for yourself because you're better than that, and you know it.
I know that you're better than that as well. That phone call only helped to prove my point.
Thank you for breaking the mold, and for offering me something better than I could have even imagined.

smile!

Somebody randomly approached me today and told me that I have a beautiful smile.
I wish words could even begin to explain how much that meant to me, and how happy I am now because of it.
It makes waiting for my implant a little bit easier, and it makes these past eight years seem like a little bit less of such a waste of time.
Personally, I think God put me through such a struggle with my teeth because he knew how often I smile and that after all of this, I'd deeply appreciate having an attractive one.
I'm adding it to my list of blessings.

our conversations are always my favorites anyways ;)

It's amazing how all it takes is a deep, good hearted conversation with a friend to settle you down. Sometimes you need to bring out the bad in order to find the good. It may bring up some uneasy feelings but in my opinion, it's better to be hurt by a friends tough love for the moment than to be left with a long term pain from unreasonable problems between the two of you. I don't regret mentioning a damn thing for that very reason. You were the one that taught me to stand up for myself afterall, and you taught me well.
I really am sorry. If I didn't apologize enough earlier, then I'm sorry for that too, but I really should have let you know how I felt. I feel a lot better now though knowing that you and I are the type of friends that may disagree on a lot of things, but we share a common ground... and that's that we care for one another. I especially love that we are each tough, stubborn, and independent, always ready to stand our ground for what we believe in. It makes our arguments twice as meaningful once we are able to reach the lesson buried beneath it all.
Thank you for helping me to become a better person by questioning my beliefs and my intentions, and thank you for offering me the amount of support that you've always been readily available with.
I love you, girl.

life is a road.

I'm laying here, in my babe's arms, blogging from my iPhone. He fell asleep a few minutes ago and so I'm trying to do this as quietly as possible, and without moving around too much. I wish I could curl up and go to sleep too but 1. my mind is racing and 2. I can't help but watch him sleep. His chest rises and falls with every breath, but his arms never loosen their grip around me. It makes me smile. If you look hard you'll even notice the corners of his lips curl up as if he's got his signature smart-ass smirk on. This makes me smile too.

I've been lying here for a while thinking of the sharp curves life has thrown in my direction in just these past couple months.
I'll be the first to admit that I was stubborn in the beginning. I thought I knew what was best for myself, and so I tried to clear my own path for my life. I fought through thickets of denial, excuses, and blame never really knowing that God had a paved road already ready for me to ride along. One step at a time I made my way back to His road as I accepted that God knew what was best for me and would lead me to it.
Laying here today leaves me with not a doubt that this is what I've been waiting for. I can't imagine anywhere or anyone better for myself.

Thinking about this paved road also leaves me wondering where we're headed next.
Will there be lots of twists and turns, or will it be a straight easy trip? Will the road be forked, or will it be one way? If it's forked, will our roads come together again, or will they lead each of us to different fates?
Justin and I are headed towards essentially huge parts of our lives. He's entering the United States Navy in less than a year, and I'll be finishing up high school and moving on to college, and possibly away from home. I don't really know what this entails for us as a couple. We've talked about being together while he's away for those four years, and we're determined to make it through but who's to say we're traveling on the same road hand in hand from here on out? And if we're not, will we fight again to make our own path...will we find a way to be together when he comes home from the Navy?
Will we even still believe we're best for each other?
Sometimes I feel as if we need to talk about it, but what is there to really say? Nobody knows just what the future holds so nobody knows how to prepare themselves.

It's exciting but I'm scared.

Life Is Good.

"It's amazing how you can look at that sticker...Life Is Good...and those three little words can encapsulate the love you have for each day here, and make you think- damn, life really is good."- Jimmy.

FINALLY somebody sees it like I do.
Thank you Jimmy for proving my point.

I'm all talk.

I like to pretend I know exactly what I'm doing, but I actually have no idea. I don't think any of us really do.

i'm sorry if i worried you.

I will probably never know what it is that triggers thoughts suddenly, sending them flying from somewhere in the depths of your brain as far forth as possible and causing you suddenly to remember them with as much detail as if it were the day on which it happened. Sometimes these flashbacks push on the backs of your eyes, making it nearly impossible for you to fight back tears; other times, they're pleasant memories that leave you hiding sudden gigantic smiles... Surely you don't want whoever you're with to think you belong in the loony bin.
Tonight flashbacks merely allowed a blanket of uneasiness to wrap me in a deceitful embrace. The drive home was exactly what I needed, however. Sometimes it does me good to have even a half hour to myself to tuck my worries back into the crevices of me from which they crawled. It allows me to maintain my fearless, independent reputation in front of a crowd... or to try to create one, anyways. Maybe I'm pathetic... I probably am, but it's the only way I've ever known to handle myself.
I also started thinking today how hard it's been for me to open myself up to somebody that's only ever had the biggest heart and the best intentions. Once I begin thinking about that, my mind shifts to how unatrractive that must be on my part. I hate that I put you through this alongside myself. I hate that because it's hard for me to finally accept somebody so genuinely respective of me(now that I've actually found one), it's probably punishment for you because I'm not ever sure how to offer you the same thoughtfulness in return... though you deserve even more than that.
Maybe sometime I'd like to talk about it. Today I should have, but I didn't want to get into it with not much time to spare.
Just know that I'm doing my best, but it's hard not to get overwhelmed once in a while. I'm working on learning how to handle it a little better as well.
I promise.

Welcome, 2009.

It's hard to believe that an entire year ago, I was racing down Immokalee Road, running 4 miles in the freezing cold to a bathroom, only to end up peeing my pants as I reached for the door handle. I still think it was a good way to start 2008.
Although 2009 probably didn't start so energetically, I still think it will be something I'll always remember.
I looked out my window at Gatlinburg...fireworks flooded the sky, cheering roared from the streets at the base of the mountain, lights flashed, noisemakers echoed throughout the mountains, and clouds of bubbles floated everywhere. My entire family was at the New Years Party downtown, but because I had been sick, I wasn't allowed to go. Instead I laid in my top bunk, under piles of blankets, still shivering until I got a call from Justin. He was supposed to be at a big New Years Party as well, but told me he had gotten sick and stayed home in bed... a weird coicidence, right?

We made each other a promise right then at midnight, and so I'm saving my first kiss of 2009 for him.


...It's been tempting though with all these babies here ;)