With nothing to do all day, I decided to waste some time looking through the oldest posts of "Chill," a blog that I greatly miss catching up from.

Sunday, August 24, 2008:
"praise god!!!
i just came up with the best idea today.
this is going to be epic and she is going to love it."

Monday, August 25, 2008:
"one day im going to sing this song to her..."


Saturday, August 30, 2008:

"these last couple of days have been flat out awesome. last night was one night ill never forget because of this...
- football is back!!! thank god.
- seeing old friends at the football games
- shawn working on some kick ass chords to one of my songs.
- country night over at stevie tomatoes
- meeting new peeps
- movie over at nikki's
- staying the night with her =]
i want to relive that day. "

Monday, September 1, 2008:
"have you ever meet someone that rocked your world!? i mean the more i get to know this person the more im blessed to meet someone who is so original and genuine. i want to know this person more, dig into there deep thoughts and figure out more about their likes and dislikes. its strange too... i mean its a awesome feeling. idk what im saying lol. i hope this works out for the best cause i like this feeling and would not trade it for all the cash in the world.
in about 3 months i want to know where ill be with her... i guess there is only one way to find out and i intend to sit back to enjoy the ride that is life =] "


I had a lot of time yesterday to think about the way that my relationship with Justin is going. When we're together, I become so care-free and everything is about that single moment there with him. I don't so I took a step back and I looked at the big picture.

Thank You Mom and Dad

Mom and Dad,
I feel like my eighteenth birthday should be celebrated more as an accomplishment of yours' than of mine. I would like to thank you for everything you've given me throughout my childhood, and for preparing me to meet this day, the day that I step out into adulthood, in the best way that you knew how. You have told me time and time again, always jokingly, of course, that I was your "guinea pig." You had to experiment on me so that you'd know what to do once Jeffrey's turn came along. But as it turned out, you always knew just what to do, or just what to say. Or maybe you didn't. Maybe that was the beauty of it all along... you just sort of winged it, and it all turned out to be this good. Either way, you were able to relate to me both as parents, and as friends, and I have so much respect for the two of you because of that. It's a task that so many parents attempt to tackle, and so few actually accomplish.
Because we have always shared this close relationship, I don't think that I have been as quick to brush off your advice as any child or teenager usually would. You have taught me so much about finding faith in God, being appreciative, loving whole-heartedly, looking beyond face value, and always putting forth my all. But you have also taught me to take others' advice for what it was worth, and I think that's where you differ from other parents. You valued my opinion, and gave me that chance to learn on my own. Your lessons gave me a sort of framework to build my morals upon, and it was up to me to use what I had learned to continue my growth. I believe that it's made me a stronger, more independent woman.
You each have also gone out of your way to give me not only everything that I have ever needed, but also everything that I have ever wanted, and everything that you have ever thought I might want. I don't think that I have ever deserved it. Surely no one person could ever deserve so much. And I don't know that I have even ever said thank you. In fact, have I ever really looked you both in the eyes and told you how much I love you or how much I appreciate you? I realize that we've never been an especially sentimental family, but maybe it's something we ought to make a little more time for now and then. Time seems to be slipping us by so quickly... did it really seem like 18 years? ... and the last thing I want is to wish one day that I would have told you more often how much you meant to me.
I love you both so much. Thank you for everything. It has meant the world to me.

-Nicole

Rachael Clements, you crack me up.

"I love they way they riiiiiiideeeee it." -R
"Uhm, Ray, it's 'They love the way I ride it. Does she have a penis now or something?" -N
"No, but... oh shit, wait." -R (At the exact moment that she said "but" we both turned our heads and looked at each other about to say the same thing, then ended up cracking up.)
I don't believe every rumor I hear, but that was just funny. Sorry, Ciara.

Lovely quotes by John Merriam #3,874

"She's got the psycho in her eyes."

When the last beat comes.

How is it possible to lay here and have all 130 pounds of me feel almost three times as heavy? Each heart beat is a little louder than I remember the last having been and I count them while wondering about the day that they will eventually run out. What will I be feeling? What will I have done in my life up until that point? Will I feel complete? Will I have even prayed that day?

A lot of different people tell me that they know more about me by reading this blog than they do by talking to me in person. And while I may tell them that they ought to listen more, I also have to admit that it does seem easier to tell my story through writing. There's something about coming home at the end of the day and just laying here in the silence, analyzing ME. It seems that it's these late night entries that help me to put my life back together, or to figure out what's next.

It's my biggest hope that one day, many, many years from now I will be lying in bed, reflecting on my many blessings and again counting my heartbeats when that last one arrives. By then maybe I will have done this so many times that I'll have everything figured out, and each of my questions answered.

J told me once that "I feel as though you love me more than I love you" and those words have stuck with me. Although I know what he had meant, they echo a sort of worry throughout me anyways. Justin doesn't feel as though he's able to give me as much as I've given him, even when specifically talking about feelings, thoughts, or gestures rather than material objects. I have always thought him incredibly sweet with all of the surprises or cute good morning text messages he brings about. Not once have I ever complained that he hasn't done enough... and I'm still not complaining. But if Justin feels as though he's not doing enough, the one person who knows just how much he, himself is capable of... why wouldn't he do something to change that? Why wouldn't he do more to put himself on "a higher tier ofselflessness" or whatever he had called it earlier?!

Best Commercial Ever.

Every girl can relate to this. The screaming cat part is my all time favorite... I thought this video was going to take on "the true story of a period" for a minute.

Kick back and get high, on the livin' part of life.

Tomorrow I'm takin me fishin, hang a sign on the door of my life. Tell the whole world that I've gone missin, & I won't be back for a while. I'm so tired of only wishin' I could leave my troubles behind. I wanna be front porch rockin' with a big sun droppin' in a blue sky. Kick back and get high, on the livin' part of life.

Gone.

Labels mean nothing in life. In trying to find so much appeal, you lose it all. Be yourself, and cherish the things that make you beautiful.... your personal traits, not your possessions.

Listin' it up while I unwind from my day.

1. Mom and Jeff are trying to count back the days and decide when he last had a shower. He smells when you walk past him... Why are little brothers so gross?
2. 10 pm and I'm just getting my appetite back. My stomach has been in knots all day with school, work, friends, and playing catch up. It was a long, long day, and besides blowing dandelions with the first graders earlier, I'm glad it is over.
3. My favorite CD readers: I wanted to say more to you both than this. But give me some time... I'm so exhausted today.
I really did enjoy your outlooks on life though. I can relate to each in a way! More about that later.
4. Heard a really good story today! A lady that Kori knew suddenly experienced a very strong urge to park her car at the nearest gas station, go inside and do a headstand before the Coke machine. Thinking that she must be going crazy, she ignored it for as long as she could. Finally she turned her car around and headed straight back for the gas station. She ran inside and gave it her best attempt to find a man standing above her. He was in disbelief and told her that just an hour or so ago he had been in the back room with a gun and really contemplating suicide. He prayed to God and told Him that if He was real, and if He really thought He could help him out with his life, that he send somebody inside the gas station to do a headstand before the coke machine. There is a God. No doubt about that. I think I also like this story because it goes back to that post about Friday night and staying on top of urges. If your gut is telling you that you have to do something, DO IT!
5. If you find yourself with some spare time around 10 am tomorrow, say a quick prayer for Justin. He's taking his placement tests over at Edison... the first time he's really been placed before a test in 3 years. I'm so excited for him, and I'm so proud of him. He's really taking initiative in his life and making strides towards what he's always dreamed of.
6. Then, if you find yourself with even more free time, say another prayer for me and this math course. It's kickin' my butt!
7. I forgot how much I love white grape juice. Mmmmm!
8. Better get goin' though.
9. Economics homework, tons of math homework, and some studying to be done.
10. Sleep tight my favorites!

I absolutely love Kellie Pickler.

...especially her ACCENT!



She kind of reminds me of myself with as giggly as she is, haha. Anyways, I always watch out for new interviews with her. Each one of them is sweet, genuine, and hilarious. This one must be my new favorite though.

He makes my days a whole lot brighter.

Crazy Friday!

Friday: Any night out with me ends up in a trip to the ER... and not even as a result of something FUN! A pretty nasty spider bite caught my attention when I got home from work and I showed my mom. We could actually see the red line of venom traveling from the bite to a major vein running the length of my forearm. That really freaked her out, and we were in the car in under 10 minutes on our way to the fire station my cousin was working at that night. (She's a paramedic and Mom sought her opinion.) When we got to the station and realized my cousin was out on a call, Mom and I were left pacing the parking lot and wondering whether or not we should knock and ask any of the paramedics that had stayed behind.
Finally she did, and two guys in COLLIER EMS t-shirts invited us into their station. The place was a mess. They were watching America's Most Wanted, eating everything in sight, and having the best time. My mom tried to explain the situation to them but they acted as if they didn't even really care. We sat down in their living room with them and tried googling what was wrong with my arm, hah! They told me they believed I was going through a transformation to SpiderWoman and that I should just go with it. Might have worked for me. "Snacks" told me a story about his partner's walkie talkie falling out of his pocket and smacking a dead man's head on the side of the road. He said he knew he had been dead for at least half an hour, but still felt he needed to express a "Sorry, dude!" "Rascal Flatts" called the least busy hospital and told the chief nurse that I was his cousin and needed to be taken in immediately and given the best service, so we headed that way.
Being there was absolutely ridiculous. I haven't been in a hospital for nearly two years, since all of that crap happened to me before, and I had actually forgotten how scary they are. Luckily the doctors were able to treat the infection with only a prescription cream and I was on my way home. This is where it gets weird though.
As we were leaving an old man was staring at me from his bed. It didn't look like he was wearing any clothes at all. His toes were maybe three or four times the size they should have been and were tangled. They were twisted, and all of them were overlapping. I smiled at him as I passed by, making my way for the door, and he said so softly..."Help Me." Mom and I stopped for a moment to be sure we had heard him right, and when he said it again we walked towards the nurses station to let them know he was asking for help. At this point, he was screaming "HELP ME! HELP ME!" and I was more than a little creeped out. There was nobody with him in the room. He was all alone, and probably scared to death. It didn't dawn on Mom and I until today that he was probably the real reason for our trip to the ER that night. Obviously everything with me was okay, but we ended up at the ER for a reason. I believe that God put that man in our path as a test... to see if we would pray over him. We failed, miserably, as I ran for the door when he started yelling. Mom tried to comfort him by telling him that everything would be okay and somebody was on their way, but only from the door frame. The nurses never seemed in a big rush to get to him, and it leaves me with the feeling that maybe it was because they couldn't hear him like we could. Maybe he was purposely there for US. Either way, Mom feels terrible about the whole situation. We're not missing any opportunites anymore to help somebody in need.... no matter how disgusting their toes are.

Sweet Dreams.

They say thoughts (inner thoughts) are most accessible right before bed, or immediately upon waking. I waited here beside my blog as I grew tired, hoping for some explanation for the way I've been feeling, or some inspiration to write about what comes next, what I've seen, or even what I did today. I've grown SO tired though that I can't even begin to write. Figures, huh?

Goodnight, friends. Sweet dreams.

PLEASE FEEL FREE TO DANCE.

To my first real fan, Kelly:

"I also agree that sometimes the strongest thing to do is to stay, or to make your dreams work with whatever situation or town you are in. That is the mark of a truly resilient, brave, creative person. I really don't think running away to another city/state changes things as much as people expect. You're going to do so well in life- don't ever let people look down on you for anything :)"


So I may or may not have just danced around my house laughing joyfully now knowing that my blog has it's first real fan. And it's not someone that I told to read it daily or anything this time... It's somebody that just happened to stumble upon it and now reads it on their own because they enjoy it. I've been striving for that since first beginning this blog during my sophomore year. I'd like to thank you, Kelly, for this great mood I'm in tonight.
I really took your advice into consideration as well, and I appreciate it. I'm not trying to say that I'm running from any problems, just that I'd like the adventure. I'm sure a few months gone and I'd learn all new reasons to appreciate my hometown again.

This is my life motto.

"And when we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same." -Maryanne Williamson

All or Nothing.

"People have enough to live, but nothing to live for; they have the means, but no meaning.” -Robert Fogel

Only seventeen years old and I have already tried to fathom every possible excuse to avoid working my life away. I hold on to dreams of traveling the world, helping others, embracing each new day, and discovering myself through God's word.
Currently I am working almost thirty hours a week at a local clothing store, while still attending high school. I'm enrolled in three college level courses, but am left with almost no time to study. I've been sick for over a month with all the running I do, and I've drifted apart from more than a few friends because I haven't had the chance to call them and see how they're doing.
I don't want life after high school to be this way. I have a hunger for something so much more than a nine to five.
At what point did we become so caught up in these fast-paced lifestyles that we forgot to stop and embrace life? When did we start to feel as though working overtime suddenly was more important than backyard football games, watching the sunset with the one we love, or riding with the windows down, singing Born to be Wild, and feeling the wind blow through our hair?
Maybe I've already realized that the security money offers us is merely a societal construct that holds us back from experiencing the true passions of life.
A combination of our upbringing into a society that values money, power, and success is the root of my discontent. A society whose definition of success is so out of line with true happiness. I am desperate for something more than what we were taught would make us happy.

They seldom wore shoes on Sundays...

Most Sundays they spent a good portion of the day in bed. He watched the football games on TV for hours. She told him about her upcoming week, growing excited for what was to come, as she set fresh flowers about the house. Around 1 o’clock they ate lunch - a colorful plate of all their favorites. She curled up on one end of the couch, her legs and feet covered with a blanket. He sat next to her, his legs sprawled out in front. They looked forward to these lazy Sundays all week—sometimes spent laughing at whatever movie he had in his queue, sometimes spent holding one another hovering the thin line between pillow talk and half-conscious murmurings as they slipped into a light sleep. As daylight turned to dusk, their stomachs reminded them of the hour and, for the first time that day, they put on shoes and walked down the long, winding roads to the tiny restaurant at the base of the mountain. Here they took a seat at their typical table and ordered the exact same thing they had ordered every Sunday night for the last eight months.

My Bucket List!

1. Find and play the giant piano featured in the movie Big

2. Take a camping trip with my friends

3. Receive a love letter! ♥

4. Toss pizza dough in the air like a pro.

5.Spin a globe, put my finger on a spot, then board a plane headed there.

6. Race an ostrich.

7. Land on water in a seaplane.

8. Try out zip-lining.

9. Learn to barrel race.

10. Visit Seattle, Washington and camp/kayak through the San Juan Islands.

11. Be an extra in a movie.

12. Win a game of strip poker.

13. Visit the Wailing Wall in Jerusalem and tuck a prayer of mine between the bricks.

14.Teach a child to walk.

15. Make it to my 20 year high school reunion.

16. Learn to drive a motorcycle.

17. Have my own "secret recipe."

18. Inspire somebody.

19. Live in a house with an unobstructed view of the mountains. I'd leave the doors and windows open every day, all day long. I love that crisp air.

20. Own a red jeep with a "Life Is Good" tire cover.

21. Turn my lawn into a field of daisies.

22. Go to Albuquerque's balloon festival.

23. Kiss the Blarney Stone.

24. Own something "lucky" ...a lucky hat,underwear,socks,something,anything!

25. Take a drive down Lombard Street in San Francisco.

26. Write a book that becomes a best seller.

27. Go horseback riding through the Blue Ridge Parkway.

28. Milk a cow.

29. Walk out of a dull, pointless meeting...just get up, and walk out.

30.Try out my luck in one of the Cash Grab Machines.



...Turns out I didn't have a whole lot of luck. My grand prize totaled... TWO DOLLARS! I took the money and treated myself to a slurpee on my way home from my classes. Woo!

31. Visit the Grand Ole Opry.

32. Volunteer with children in need.

33. Compete in Pine Island's "Mullet Toss"

34. Eat dessert without guilt.

35. Take a ballroom dancing class.

36. Visit the "border between Heaven and Earth" in Brazil.

37. Write a speech about something I feel passionately about.

38. Spend my 21st in the Florida Keys ;)

39. Study abroad

40. Write a letter to an old friend when it would be so much easier to call or text.


41. Explore the Everglades by air boat.

42. Get my gun license.

43. Take a kickboxing class.

44. Solve a mystery.

45. Build a tree house.

46. Be able to give somebody all they've ever wanted.

47. Spend a week in a South Carolina beach house with all of my friends.

48. Have a crazy weekend in Vegas.

49. Try a wild game burger

50. Attend flying trapeze classes.

51. Pay off all of my parent's bills.

52. Be a driver in a stock car race.

53. See the ball drop in NYC on New Years Eve

54. Look good in a bikini.

55. Raise an animal that protects and comes to love me most.

56. Find something to smile about every day.

57. Attend the ACM's.

58. Never let the passion of my relationship die out. I want to be as crazy about my husband 30 years down the road as the first time we kissed. I don't want to forget about all the sweet surprises we find for each other, either.

59. Decorate my home with artifacts from the countries I've visited and the very pictures I've taken of those places.

60. Be able to walk into a particular restaurant one day and order "the usual."

61.Discover and change my worst personality trait.

62. Pick wild blueberries and make muffins.

63. Become a part of an organization in which I can volunteer and associate with throughout my life.
Florida 4H & Delta Delta Delta

64. Commit to something wholeheartedly.

65. Read a new book every month for a year.

66. Successfully keep a garden alive. I want fresh flowers in my house every day.

67. Start a food fight.

68. See the dinosaur footprints in the Grand Canyon.

69. Get SCUBA certified

70. Become a mother to children that adore me.

71. Learn CPR.

72. Look up my ancestor's names in the Immigration Records at Ellis Island

73. Win a wishbone pull.

74. Be kissed while on the big screen at a sporting event.

75. Go on a hay-ride.

76. Hit a home run.

77. Do something that my friends would describe as utterly unlike me.

78. Be an "honored guest" at an event.

79. See the Northern Lights.

80. Have a snowball fight.

81. Put my hand prints in wet cement.

82. Graduate college

83. Write a thank you letter to somebody who has influenced me.

84. Learn to use chopsticks properly.

85. Learn to play an instrument

86. Cut down my own Christmas tree.

87. Become a triathlete.

88. Be kissed on the Spanish Steps in Rome as hundreds of people try to crowd past and make their way up or down.

89. Ride a mechanical bull.

90. Learn to say "I Love You" in 10 different languages.

91. Go on a mission trip.

92. Go skydiving!

93. Read the Bible cover to cover in a year

94. Get a complete make over.

95. Hit bulls eye on a dartboard.

96. Have my own personal library/writing office in my future home.

97. Visit Alcatraz.

98. Catch fireflies in a mason jar.

99. Be an audience member on Ellen Degenere's show... and DANCE!

100. Rock climb