"People have enough to live, but nothing to live for; they have the means, but no meaning.” -Robert Fogel
Only seventeen years old and I have already tried to fathom every possible excuse to avoid working my life away. I hold on to dreams of traveling the world, helping others, embracing each new day, and discovering myself through God's word.
Currently I am working almost thirty hours a week at a local clothing store, while still attending high school. I'm enrolled in three college level courses, but am left with almost no time to study. I've been sick for over a month with all the running I do, and I've drifted apart from more than a few friends because I haven't had the chance to call them and see how they're doing.
I don't want life after high school to be this way. I have a hunger for something so much more than a nine to five.
At what point did we become so caught up in these fast-paced lifestyles that we forgot to stop and embrace life? When did we start to feel as though working overtime suddenly was more important than backyard football games, watching the sunset with the one we love, or riding with the windows down, singing Born to be Wild, and feeling the wind blow through our hair?
Maybe I've already realized that the security money offers us is merely a societal construct that holds us back from experiencing the true passions of life.
A combination of our upbringing into a society that values money, power, and success is the root of my discontent. A society whose definition of success is so out of line with true happiness. I am desperate for something more than what we were taught would make us happy.
Monday, January 18, 2010
Thursday, January 14, 2010
They seldom wore shoes on Sundays...
Most Sundays they spent a good portion of the day in bed. He watched the football games on TV for hours. She told him about her upcoming week, growing excited for what was to come, as she set fresh flowers about the house. Around 1 o’clock they ate lunch - a colorful plate of all their favorites. She curled up on one end of the couch, her legs and feet covered with a blanket. He sat next to her, his legs sprawled out in front. They looked forward to these lazy Sundays all week—sometimes spent laughing at whatever movie he had in his queue, sometimes spent holding one another hovering the thin line between pillow talk and half-conscious murmurings as they slipped into a light sleep. As daylight turned to dusk, their stomachs reminded them of the hour and, for the first time that day, they put on shoes and walked down the long, winding roads to the tiny restaurant at the base of the mountain. Here they took a seat at their typical table and ordered the exact same thing they had ordered every Sunday night for the last eight months.
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
My Bucket List!
1. Find and play the giant piano featured in the movie Big
2. Take a camping trip with my friends
3.Receive a love letter! ♥
4. Toss pizza dough in the air like a pro.
5.Spin a globe, put my finger on a spot, then board a plane headed there.
6. Race an ostrich.
7. Land on water in a seaplane.
8. Try out zip-lining.
9. Learn to barrel race.
10. Visit Seattle, Washington and camp/kayak through the San Juan Islands.
11. Be an extra in a movie.
12. Win a game of strip poker.
13. Visit the Wailing Wall in Jerusalem and tuck a prayer of mine between the bricks.
14.Teach a child to walk.
15. Make it to my 20 year high school reunion.
16. Learn to drive a motorcycle.
17. Have my own "secret recipe."
18.Inspire somebody.
19. Live in a house with an unobstructed view of the mountains. I'd leave the doors and windows open every day, all day long. I love that crisp air.
20. Own a red jeep with a "Life Is Good" tire cover.
21. Turn my lawn into a field of daisies.
22. Go to Albuquerque's balloon festival.
23. Kiss the Blarney Stone.
24. Own something "lucky" ...a lucky hat,underwear,socks,something,anything!
25.Take a drive down Lombard Street in San Francisco.
26. Write a book that becomes a best seller.
27. Go horseback riding through the Blue Ridge Parkway.
28. Milk a cow.
29.Walk out of a dull, pointless meeting...just get up, and walk out.
30.Try out my luck in one of the Cash Grab Machines.
...Turns out I didn't have a whole lot of luck. My grand prize totaled... TWO DOLLARS! I took the money and treated myself to a slurpee on my way home from my classes. Woo!
31. Visit the Grand Ole Opry.
32.Volunteer with children in need.
33. Compete in Pine Island's "Mullet Toss"
34. Eat dessert without guilt.
35. Take a ballroom dancing class.
36. Visit the "border between Heaven and Earth" in Brazil.
37.Write a speech about something I feel passionately about.
38. Spend my 21st in the Florida Keys ;)
39. Study abroad
40. Write a letter to an old friend when it would be so much easier to call or text.
41. Explore the Everglades by air boat.
42. Get my gun license.
43. Take a kickboxing class.
44. Solve a mystery.
45. Build a tree house.
46. Be able to give somebody all they've ever wanted.
47. Spend a week in a South Carolina beach house with all of my friends.
48. Have a crazy weekend in Vegas.
49.Try a wild game burger
50. Attend flying trapeze classes.
51. Pay off all of my parent's bills.
52. Be a driver in a stock car race.
53. See the ball drop in NYC on New Years Eve
54. Look good in a bikini.
55. Raise an animal that protects and comes to love me most.
56. Find something to smile about every day.
57. Attend the ACM's.
58. Never let the passion of my relationship die out. I want to be as crazy about my husband 30 years down the road as the first time we kissed. I don't want to forget about all the sweet surprises we find for each other, either.
59. Decorate my home with artifacts from the countries I've visited and the very pictures I've taken of those places.
60. Be able to walk into a particular restaurant one day and order "the usual."
61.Discover and change my worst personality trait.
62. Pick wild blueberries and make muffins.
63. Become a part of an organization in which I can volunteer and associate with throughout my life.
Florida 4H & Delta Delta Delta
64. Commit to something wholeheartedly.
65. Read a new book every month for a year.
66. Successfully keep a garden alive. I want fresh flowers in my house every day.
67. Start a food fight.
68. See the dinosaur footprints in the Grand Canyon.
69. Get SCUBA certified
70. Become a mother to children that adore me.
71. Learn CPR.
72. Look up my ancestor's names in the Immigration Records at Ellis Island
73. Win a wishbone pull.
74. Be kissed while on the big screen at a sporting event.
75. Go on a hay-ride.
76. Hit a home run.
77. Do something that my friends would describe as utterly unlike me.
78. Be an "honored guest" at an event.
79. See the Northern Lights.
80. Have a snowball fight.
81. Put my hand prints in wet cement.
82. Graduate college
83. Write a thank you letter to somebody who has influenced me.
84. Learn to use chopsticks properly.
85. Learn to play an instrument
86. Cut down my own Christmas tree.
87. Become a triathlete.
88. Be kissed on the Spanish Steps in Rome as hundreds of people try to crowd past and make their way up or down.
89. Ride a mechanical bull.
90. Learn to say "I Love You" in 10 different languages.
91. Go on a mission trip.
92. Go skydiving!
93. Read the Bible cover to cover in a year
94. Get a complete make over.
95. Hit bulls eye on a dartboard.
96. Have my own personal library/writing office in my future home.
97. Visit Alcatraz.
98. Catch fireflies in a mason jar.
99. Be an audience member on Ellen Degenere's show... and DANCE!
100. Rock climb
2. Take a camping trip with my friends
3.
4. Toss pizza dough in the air like a pro.
5.Spin a globe, put my finger on a spot, then board a plane headed there.
6. Race an ostrich.
7. Land on water in a seaplane.
8.
9. Learn to barrel race.
10.
11. Be an extra in a movie.
12. Win a game of strip poker.
13. Visit the Wailing Wall in Jerusalem and tuck a prayer of mine between the bricks.
14.Teach a child to walk.
15. Make it to my 20 year high school reunion.
16. Learn to drive a motorcycle.
17. Have my own "secret recipe."
18.
19. Live in a house with an unobstructed view of the mountains. I'd leave the doors and windows open every day, all day long. I love that crisp air.
20. Own a red jeep with a "Life Is Good" tire cover.
21. Turn my lawn into a field of daisies.
22. Go to Albuquerque's balloon festival.
23. Kiss the Blarney Stone.
24. Own something "lucky" ...a lucky hat,underwear,socks,something,anything!
25.
26. Write a book that becomes a best seller.
27.
28. Milk a cow.
29.
...Turns out I didn't have a whole lot of luck. My grand prize totaled... TWO DOLLARS! I took the money and treated myself to a slurpee on my way home from my classes. Woo!
31. Visit the Grand Ole Opry.
32.
33. Compete in Pine Island's "Mullet Toss"
34.
35. Take a ballroom dancing class.
36. Visit the "border between Heaven and Earth" in Brazil.
37.
38. Spend my 21st in the Florida Keys ;)
39. Study abroad
40.
41. Explore the Everglades by air boat.
42. Get my gun license.
43. Take a kickboxing class.
44. Solve a mystery.
45. Build a tree house.
46. Be able to give somebody all they've ever wanted.
47. Spend a week in a South Carolina beach house with all of my friends.
48. Have a crazy weekend in Vegas.
49.
50. Attend flying trapeze classes.
51. Pay off all of my parent's bills.
52. Be a driver in a stock car race.
53. See the ball drop in NYC on New Years Eve
54. Look good in a bikini.
55.
56.
57. Attend the ACM's.
58. Never let the passion of my relationship die out. I want to be as crazy about my husband 30 years down the road as the first time we kissed. I don't want to forget about all the sweet surprises we find for each other, either.
59. Decorate my home with artifacts from the countries I've visited and the very pictures I've taken of those places.
60. Be able to walk into a particular restaurant one day and order "the usual."
61.Discover and change my worst personality trait.
62. Pick wild blueberries and make muffins.
63.
Florida 4H & Delta Delta Delta
64. Commit to something wholeheartedly.
65. Read a new book every month for a year.
66. Successfully keep a garden alive. I want fresh flowers in my house every day.
67. Start a food fight.
68. See the dinosaur footprints in the Grand Canyon.
69. Get SCUBA certified
70. Become a mother to children that adore me.
71. Learn CPR.
72. Look up my ancestor's names in the Immigration Records at Ellis Island
73.
74. Be kissed while on the big screen at a sporting event.
75. Go on a hay-ride.
76. Hit a home run.
77. Do something that my friends would describe as utterly unlike me.
78. Be an "honored guest" at an event.
79. See the Northern Lights.
80. Have a snowball fight.
81.
82. Graduate college
83.
84. Learn to use chopsticks properly.
85. Learn to play an instrument
86. Cut down my own Christmas tree.
87. Become a triathlete.
88. Be kissed on the Spanish Steps in Rome as hundreds of people try to crowd past and make their way up or down.
89. Ride a mechanical bull.
90. Learn to say "I Love You" in 10 different languages.
91. Go on a mission trip.
92. Go skydiving!
93. Read the Bible cover to cover in a year
94. Get a complete make over.
96. Have my own personal library/writing office in my future home.
97.
98. Catch fireflies in a mason jar.
99. Be an audience member on Ellen Degenere's show... and DANCE!
100. Rock climb
Saturday, September 12, 2009
I love you, Daddy.
Everytime I hear this song I think of my Dad and I. Specifically the pictures of Dad and I in Dallas jerseys together, or in the hammock...me with my Fisherprice binoculars lying beside him with his real binoculars, and even all of the pictures he took of us in his old office... I'd always be hanging from his neck laughing and he'd have the biggest smile.
Sunday, September 6, 2009
Don't have my big black notebook...so here's a blog:
Tonight I looked over at Justin while he was singing "Baby Keep Smiling" by Lou Bega. We were in the car, on our way to meet up with some family of his that was in town, no big deal, but I could not take my eyes off him. The cutest smile I've ever seen spread across his face and those bright blue eyes lit up as he sang out every note. He looked in my direction and I could feel my cheeks turn pink. Almost a year down the road and my stomach still turns to butterflies. He sings a song, he does the "Pants Dance," he talks in a funny accent or impersonates someone we each know, and I can't help but smile. And not one of those cheesy smiles we do to please a guest when they're telling us a story about their Christmas, or some other event that we really care nothing about, and not even one of those half-assed grins we give the AFV videos that come on late at night...but a genuine smile so massive my cheeks will even begin to ache. It's one of those smiles that make your whole face light up...you radiate, and everyone can see that you are head over heels in love. And I am! Sometimes I feel like spinning in circles, singing louder than the radio to all my favorite love songs, jumping up and down, and telling everyone.. It's overwhelming! But of course, I don't want to be taken away to the loony bin ( Or worse, compared to Tom Cruise's couch-jumping on Oprah's show) so on nights like tonight, when I'm feeling especially blessed to have a boyfriend that gives out maybe a few too many compliments, kisses me at exactly the right moment, or says just the right thing... I turn on this song. It's EXACTLY how I feel about him in ever way. Nobody can make me happier than that boy can.
Sunday, August 30, 2009
Love Always Means The Most...
"Can I ask you something that's been on my mind for a while now?"-Mom
"Sure.." -Nicole
"...What are your plans for college?" -M
"What do you mean?" -N
"You used to talk all the time about leaving town and going up to Tallahassee or Gainesville, sometimes even about going to Tennessee and it seems like for the past 4 or 5 months you haven't really mentioned it at all." -M
"yeah?" -N
"Well I'm just wondering what you're going to do. Are you finally deciding to stay here around Naples and go to FGCU or Edison, or have you just stopped talking about it because you've had your mind made up about moving since you were little?!" -M
" I don't really know. To be truthful, I think about it every day. And every day that goes by I get more and more nervous because I know that I don't have long to make a decision." -N
"It's Justin isn't it?" -M
"Of course it is. I don't want to leave him. It scares me to death to imagine saying goodbye. But at the same time, I've wanted to go away for so long. I feel guilty that I'm still debating staying because I feel like I owe it to him to stay, to give him a girlfriend that can be here for him every day. And at the same time I feel like he owes me some freedom to do all that I've ever dreamed of. But where do you draw the line in love? Where does "for me" stop and "for him" start, or vice versa? And does it even matter? ...I feel like I'll be partially unsatisfied no matter in which direction I head." -N
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHA." -M
"That was not meant to be funny. I'm serious!" -N
"Do you remember when you were a freshman and you told me that no guy would ever hold you back? You told me that love could wait, and that you had goals in life to tend to first of all. And I always told you it'd be a whole different story when you fell in love..."-M
"haha, shut up. You're such a smartass..you're right though."-N
" I always told you that your plans would change but you were determined to hold them so close to heart. Now look at you.. You know you're not going to end up going anywhere. And not becuase you don't want to anymore, but because you can't bring yourself to say goodbye, even if it is only for a few months. You've got it bad for him. I can tell." -M
"You can say that again." -N
"Well, maybe he'll be the one some day, or maybe he won't. You two are good together now, but you also have a lot of goals. If you can compromise, great. And if not, you do what means more to you and I'll support you one hundred percent." -M
"My heart is a scary thing to gamble with, but I'm fairly certain I'll make the right decision in the end." -N
"Sure.." -Nicole
"...What are your plans for college?" -M
"What do you mean?" -N
"You used to talk all the time about leaving town and going up to Tallahassee or Gainesville, sometimes even about going to Tennessee and it seems like for the past 4 or 5 months you haven't really mentioned it at all." -M
"yeah?" -N
"Well I'm just wondering what you're going to do. Are you finally deciding to stay here around Naples and go to FGCU or Edison, or have you just stopped talking about it because you've had your mind made up about moving since you were little?!" -M
" I don't really know. To be truthful, I think about it every day. And every day that goes by I get more and more nervous because I know that I don't have long to make a decision." -N
"It's Justin isn't it?" -M
"Of course it is. I don't want to leave him. It scares me to death to imagine saying goodbye. But at the same time, I've wanted to go away for so long. I feel guilty that I'm still debating staying because I feel like I owe it to him to stay, to give him a girlfriend that can be here for him every day. And at the same time I feel like he owes me some freedom to do all that I've ever dreamed of. But where do you draw the line in love? Where does "for me" stop and "for him" start, or vice versa? And does it even matter? ...I feel like I'll be partially unsatisfied no matter in which direction I head." -N
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHA." -M
"That was not meant to be funny. I'm serious!" -N
"Do you remember when you were a freshman and you told me that no guy would ever hold you back? You told me that love could wait, and that you had goals in life to tend to first of all. And I always told you it'd be a whole different story when you fell in love..."-M
"haha, shut up. You're such a smartass..you're right though."-N
" I always told you that your plans would change but you were determined to hold them so close to heart. Now look at you.. You know you're not going to end up going anywhere. And not becuase you don't want to anymore, but because you can't bring yourself to say goodbye, even if it is only for a few months. You've got it bad for him. I can tell." -M
"You can say that again." -N
"Well, maybe he'll be the one some day, or maybe he won't. You two are good together now, but you also have a lot of goals. If you can compromise, great. And if not, you do what means more to you and I'll support you one hundred percent." -M
"My heart is a scary thing to gamble with, but I'm fairly certain I'll make the right decision in the end." -N
Saturday, August 15, 2009
When you ring the doorbell
and I don't answer the first time...
what makes you think I'll answer it the second time?
...or third?
I don't even care that you can see me.
I'm too busy snuggling with my baby B!
what makes you think I'll answer it the second time?
...or third?
I don't even care that you can see me.
I'm too busy snuggling with my baby B!
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Fallen Humanity
There are people in my life who I used to look up to. Used to see as inspirational because of what I perceived as their passion for morality. Used to consider heroes because of their proclaimed belief in the duty of every person to stand up for what they believe in, even while the rest of society is giving in to temptation.
I don't anymore.
Look up to them, that is. Because... suddenly... or not so suddenly... I see what they truly are beneath the mask of good judgement. I see their fear of gossip. I see how they claim that they live without drugs, without alcohol, without random hookups and one night stands... but they claim this only for others. They're lying to themselves and hoping the rest of us see through their flimsy disguise so as to protect their reputation. And this attempt to escape the truth shows me that they are not heroes any longer. Just fallen humanity, so lost and scared that they feel they must hurt to be heard.
I don't anymore.
Look up to them, that is. Because... suddenly... or not so suddenly... I see what they truly are beneath the mask of good judgement. I see their fear of gossip. I see how they claim that they live without drugs, without alcohol, without random hookups and one night stands... but they claim this only for others. They're lying to themselves and hoping the rest of us see through their flimsy disguise so as to protect their reputation. And this attempt to escape the truth shows me that they are not heroes any longer. Just fallen humanity, so lost and scared that they feel they must hurt to be heard.
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Because I said so ♥
Johnny: And I love that you have this insane way of talking in circles that makes perfect sense.
Milly: I do? Cause sometimes I feel like nobody understands me. But...
Johnny: But Me... I get you.
Milly: I do? Cause sometimes I feel like nobody understands me. But...
Johnny: But Me... I get you.
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
Love Yourself :)
"Later that day I got to thinking about relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you that you love...well, that's just fabulous." -Carrie, Sex and the City
Hmm...
"All the elements for your happiness are already here.
:)
There's no need to run,
strive, search or struggle. Just be.":)
Monday, July 27, 2009
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
A lesson learned young and applied recently.
I have always liked to cook.
I've never been too good at it, but I have always liked it.
Around the time that I was six or seven years old, my Grandma decided to take it upon herself to teach me everything she knew. I would stand on a chair in her kitchen so that I was tall enough to reach the counter, and I'd help her to stir the soup, shake in small amounts of spices, and of course, to sample everything.
Sometimes I'd stick my fingers in the pot and grab out the carrots when she wasn't looking. When she happened to catch sight of me doing so, she'd scoop out a few and put them in a bowel and sit me up on the counter. As I sat licking my tiny fingers clean and swinging my short legs, I watched intently as she dumped in various ingrediants. It amazed me to watch her cook.
She was always so confident in anything she made. She'd pick up pepper, salt, garlic, chili powder...anything she could find really... and she'd just throw some in. She never measured a thing, and yet, she never seemed concerned that it wouldn't be delicious either.
Eventually I worked my way up to cooking meals on my own, and throwing in my own ingrediants at random. When she'd find me a bit hesitant to throw in more than a pinch of certain spices, my Grandma would urge me to be more "risky."
I guess I had never thought of cooking as a chance to be "risky," but I liked the idea as soon as it was mentioned, and began dumping in anything I could get my hands on. It felt good too. That is, until I took a taste. My nose burned from the amount of vinegar I had dumped in, and my eyes swelled with tears realizing that I had ruined the soup I had been so proud of.
But my Grandma came to my rescue with a bottle of lemon juice she had found hidden somewhere deep within the refridgerator. Surprisingly, it's acidic composition negated all traces of the vinegar. She wiped a few tears from my eyes, spooned out some of my creation, and gave me a taste... it was GREAT.
Last night, after a heart-felt conversation full of confessions, these memories of cooking with my Grandma flooded my mind. I laid awake for hours on end, searching for meaning, until an underlying lesson became apparent... My Grandma taught me much more than how to make a simple meal on that day. She had taught me that sometimes in life you've just got to throw in everything you can without caring much about the consequences.
I feel as though I finally understand what she had been trying to teach me all along only now that the conversation I had last night took place. I couldn't grasp it's full meaning until I found myself in a situation for which it applied. Now I realize that just like cooking, love also requires great risk.
In past relationships... with guys, friends, even family... I have been pressured. I have been insulted. I have been put through more than anybody could ever imagine... by even people that I thought were supposed to love me. Those past experiences had knocked me down. They'd made me self conscious, worrisome, and even spiteful. Instead of allowing myself to become vulnerable again, I put up a certain sort of wall... a wall that made it almost impossible for me to completely open up to anyone. I guess I hadn't realized that I had done so until Justin called me out on it during our conversation last night. The more and more I thought about it, the more sense it made to me. He was absolutely right. My past relationships with people were always ones that I threw my all into. Unfortunately, a lot of those didn't end quite so respectively and so I quit allowing myself to put my whole heart into relationships. I was so afraid of being hurt again.
Love is something that should be approached with reckless abandon though. It's all about handing somebody your whole heart, knowing that they have the power to break it in half, but trusting them not to. A few mistakes in the past might leave you with a few fears for the future, but that should never stop you from living in the moment. You've got to give people the benefit of the doubt... throw in everything you've got, and love endlessly. If you should happen to have too much "vinegar", or too many problems, in the end there's always some kind of solution. But don't let that fear keep you from making your move, or even being yourself.
I promise that from now on, I will be making significant changes in my life now that I realize how much I have been holding back.
I will be opening up considerably to the ones that I love most. I will no longer judge myself with those same insulting remarks that I've heard from others in the past. And I will no longer hold back in fear.
I'm giving this life everything I've got. Prepare yourself.
I've never been too good at it, but I have always liked it.
Around the time that I was six or seven years old, my Grandma decided to take it upon herself to teach me everything she knew. I would stand on a chair in her kitchen so that I was tall enough to reach the counter, and I'd help her to stir the soup, shake in small amounts of spices, and of course, to sample everything.
Sometimes I'd stick my fingers in the pot and grab out the carrots when she wasn't looking. When she happened to catch sight of me doing so, she'd scoop out a few and put them in a bowel and sit me up on the counter. As I sat licking my tiny fingers clean and swinging my short legs, I watched intently as she dumped in various ingrediants. It amazed me to watch her cook.
She was always so confident in anything she made. She'd pick up pepper, salt, garlic, chili powder...anything she could find really... and she'd just throw some in. She never measured a thing, and yet, she never seemed concerned that it wouldn't be delicious either.
Eventually I worked my way up to cooking meals on my own, and throwing in my own ingrediants at random. When she'd find me a bit hesitant to throw in more than a pinch of certain spices, my Grandma would urge me to be more "risky."
I guess I had never thought of cooking as a chance to be "risky," but I liked the idea as soon as it was mentioned, and began dumping in anything I could get my hands on. It felt good too. That is, until I took a taste. My nose burned from the amount of vinegar I had dumped in, and my eyes swelled with tears realizing that I had ruined the soup I had been so proud of.
But my Grandma came to my rescue with a bottle of lemon juice she had found hidden somewhere deep within the refridgerator. Surprisingly, it's acidic composition negated all traces of the vinegar. She wiped a few tears from my eyes, spooned out some of my creation, and gave me a taste... it was GREAT.
Last night, after a heart-felt conversation full of confessions, these memories of cooking with my Grandma flooded my mind. I laid awake for hours on end, searching for meaning, until an underlying lesson became apparent... My Grandma taught me much more than how to make a simple meal on that day. She had taught me that sometimes in life you've just got to throw in everything you can without caring much about the consequences.
I feel as though I finally understand what she had been trying to teach me all along only now that the conversation I had last night took place. I couldn't grasp it's full meaning until I found myself in a situation for which it applied. Now I realize that just like cooking, love also requires great risk.
In past relationships... with guys, friends, even family... I have been pressured. I have been insulted. I have been put through more than anybody could ever imagine... by even people that I thought were supposed to love me. Those past experiences had knocked me down. They'd made me self conscious, worrisome, and even spiteful. Instead of allowing myself to become vulnerable again, I put up a certain sort of wall... a wall that made it almost impossible for me to completely open up to anyone. I guess I hadn't realized that I had done so until Justin called me out on it during our conversation last night. The more and more I thought about it, the more sense it made to me. He was absolutely right. My past relationships with people were always ones that I threw my all into. Unfortunately, a lot of those didn't end quite so respectively and so I quit allowing myself to put my whole heart into relationships. I was so afraid of being hurt again.
Love is something that should be approached with reckless abandon though. It's all about handing somebody your whole heart, knowing that they have the power to break it in half, but trusting them not to. A few mistakes in the past might leave you with a few fears for the future, but that should never stop you from living in the moment. You've got to give people the benefit of the doubt... throw in everything you've got, and love endlessly. If you should happen to have too much "vinegar", or too many problems, in the end there's always some kind of solution. But don't let that fear keep you from making your move, or even being yourself.
I promise that from now on, I will be making significant changes in my life now that I realize how much I have been holding back.
I will be opening up considerably to the ones that I love most. I will no longer judge myself with those same insulting remarks that I've heard from others in the past. And I will no longer hold back in fear.
I'm giving this life everything I've got. Prepare yourself.
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
The apology I got after the world's cruelest joke.
I was standing outside talking on my cell phone, mad as hell, and when I looked up to the sliding glass doors, this is what I saw.
Monday, May 11, 2009
This is goodbye.
It seems as if I have hit a bump in the road, and so I will be spending time away from blogspot until I find some sort of resolve. I'm not sure if this will take only a matter of days, or something more serious such as a matter of months. I'm not even really sure if I will be back at all, but for those of you that keep checking back anyways, I appreciate you.
(Except you, Jeffrey... I really hate you today.)
This is goodbye.
(Except you, Jeffrey... I really hate you today.)
This is goodbye.
Sunday, May 3, 2009
The 2 highlights of my day:
1. I don't really know where in our conversation Justin and I fell asleep, but I awoke around 4 pm to find that we had been sharing a pillow, our noses nearly touching and Justin's arm across my back. He had a strong hold on my shoulder as he pulled me close. I laid there a few minutes, a smile spread across my face, thinking about what I'd give to wake up like that every morning. Finally I decided I'd better leave so I didn't wake him. I lifted his arm gently and slipped out from beneath it to leave him to his nap.
2. After he awoke, the following conversation took place.
Justin: "I've gotta start heading home, babe."
Nicole: "You sure?"
Justin: "You wanna come with me?"
Nicole: "You know I can't."
Justin: "Sure you can. We'll run away."
Nicole: " ...and where do you suggest we run to?"
Justin: "Well, how much money do you have?"
Nicole: "2 dollars and 13 cents."
Justin: "hmm. Combined with what I have, we still don't have enough to get us very far but I'll make you a deal."
Nicole: "Let's hear it."
Justin: "We'll put all our spare change in an old box and we'll save it up to run away together...just the two of us. We won't tell anybody where we're headed, or when we're leaving."
Nicole: "I'm gonna hold you to that."
What makes this even better is that it was all whispered as I sat with my back to Justin, his arms around me in that blue-ish sort of light you only find right before the sunset.
:)
2. After he awoke, the following conversation took place.
Justin: "I've gotta start heading home, babe."
Nicole: "You sure?"
Justin: "You wanna come with me?"
Nicole: "You know I can't."
Justin: "Sure you can. We'll run away."
Nicole: " ...and where do you suggest we run to?"
Justin: "Well, how much money do you have?"
Nicole: "2 dollars and 13 cents."
Justin: "hmm. Combined with what I have, we still don't have enough to get us very far but I'll make you a deal."
Nicole: "Let's hear it."
Justin: "We'll put all our spare change in an old box and we'll save it up to run away together...just the two of us. We won't tell anybody where we're headed, or when we're leaving."
Nicole: "I'm gonna hold you to that."
What makes this even better is that it was all whispered as I sat with my back to Justin, his arms around me in that blue-ish sort of light you only find right before the sunset.
:)
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
cheers to being oblivious!
Holy canoley. Boy, if you don't have something for your blog tonight... you have no feelings, and thus, no soul.
Life has taken a 180!... stopped me dead in my tracks, spun me around a few times until I was dizzy and incompetent, and left me stumbling backwards, away from all plans I had previously made. And all of this as the result of a single phone call! It went something along the lines of, "Nicole- I'm out of the NAVY... not required to fulfill any previous obligations. In fact, I'm planning on moving to Naples by the end of the summer, and going to school there to become a chef."
I wish that I weren't so burnt out on writing because I really do have a lot to say about the matter. However, for now the most I can promise to summon up is a list of questions I find myself with...
1. What does this entail for Justin and I as a couple?
For as long as we've been dating, even before then, I have known that at some point or another Justin would be forced to pack up his things and leave. I didn't necessarily look forward to having him leave me behind, but I did look forward to the adventures he'd embark on and the stories he'd come home to me with. He used to tell me that he planned to be together even throughout his time away with the NAVY. I regarded that as a guaranteed 4 years. Strange as it may sound, this comforted me because I actually figured that his time away would help us to understand just how blessed we were to have one another. Now I find myself anxious to find out what will become of us in the long run without this reminder to be appreciative.
2. What if I'm the one leaving?
I also had considered the fact that with Justin gone, leaving for college would be much easier than it would be if he were here tempting me to stay at home. This stubborn side of me has been desperate to convince my parents for years that no boy would ever be enough to keep me here at home rather than out accomplishing my goals. They laughed in my face, and I never could make sense of it. It all makes sense to me now though. They understood love all along, and I hadn't any idea.
3. What does this mean for my own goals?
This becomes an increasingly desperate question as my senior year rolls around and I am forced to make decisions about college and my plans for "the real world." I mean, these decisions will have a considerable impact on the course of my life! That's intimidating.
I have high hopes for my own success, however. I plan to graduate with honors. I plan to write a powerful speech for my own graduation ceremony and have it approved by our principal. I plan to attend college (though I now have narrowed my preferences to either Tallahassee for FSU's film and broadcasting program, or nearby Orlando for Full Sail's film and production program.) I plan to move out of my house within my first couple years of graduating. I plan to have an impressing career doing something I love.
But above all, I plan to laugh, live, and make the most of myself. I deserve it.
I want to believe that Justin will respect these plans, and wait for me as I complete them, even if that means I'll be leaving Naples behind.
Who am I to even ask this of anyone, though?
Suppose I did work up the nerve to ask... love has no guarantees either, leaving the decision an impossible one to make with complete confidence.
Justin could just as well decide that he's changed his mind and is tired of waiting.
This entangled web of thoughts got the best of me for nearly an hour and a half.
The next thing I considered was the possibility of putting love above all else...
4. Love is always supposed to come first, right?
Does this mean that I stick around Naples and go to FGCU so that we can remain together, or does this apply to his side of the deal, implying that we should respect one another's goals and find a way to be together despite the challenges we're presented with?
5. WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH THE CUTE SHIRT I MADE?... "THE NAVY MAY HAVE MY SAILOR, BUT I HAVE HIS HEART"
damn it. hahah
It seems as though no matter how hard you try to plan your life, it will twist, wriggle, and turn, until the unexpected occurs and you're left clueless once again. I suppose that's the beauty of it.
Cheers to being oblivious... it kept my baby right where he belongs!
Life has taken a 180!... stopped me dead in my tracks, spun me around a few times until I was dizzy and incompetent, and left me stumbling backwards, away from all plans I had previously made. And all of this as the result of a single phone call! It went something along the lines of, "Nicole- I'm out of the NAVY... not required to fulfill any previous obligations. In fact, I'm planning on moving to Naples by the end of the summer, and going to school there to become a chef."
I wish that I weren't so burnt out on writing because I really do have a lot to say about the matter. However, for now the most I can promise to summon up is a list of questions I find myself with...
1. What does this entail for Justin and I as a couple?
For as long as we've been dating, even before then, I have known that at some point or another Justin would be forced to pack up his things and leave. I didn't necessarily look forward to having him leave me behind, but I did look forward to the adventures he'd embark on and the stories he'd come home to me with. He used to tell me that he planned to be together even throughout his time away with the NAVY. I regarded that as a guaranteed 4 years. Strange as it may sound, this comforted me because I actually figured that his time away would help us to understand just how blessed we were to have one another. Now I find myself anxious to find out what will become of us in the long run without this reminder to be appreciative.
2. What if I'm the one leaving?
I also had considered the fact that with Justin gone, leaving for college would be much easier than it would be if he were here tempting me to stay at home. This stubborn side of me has been desperate to convince my parents for years that no boy would ever be enough to keep me here at home rather than out accomplishing my goals. They laughed in my face, and I never could make sense of it. It all makes sense to me now though. They understood love all along, and I hadn't any idea.
3. What does this mean for my own goals?
This becomes an increasingly desperate question as my senior year rolls around and I am forced to make decisions about college and my plans for "the real world." I mean, these decisions will have a considerable impact on the course of my life! That's intimidating.
I have high hopes for my own success, however. I plan to graduate with honors. I plan to write a powerful speech for my own graduation ceremony and have it approved by our principal. I plan to attend college (though I now have narrowed my preferences to either Tallahassee for FSU's film and broadcasting program, or nearby Orlando for Full Sail's film and production program.) I plan to move out of my house within my first couple years of graduating. I plan to have an impressing career doing something I love.
But above all, I plan to laugh, live, and make the most of myself. I deserve it.
I want to believe that Justin will respect these plans, and wait for me as I complete them, even if that means I'll be leaving Naples behind.
Who am I to even ask this of anyone, though?
Suppose I did work up the nerve to ask... love has no guarantees either, leaving the decision an impossible one to make with complete confidence.
Justin could just as well decide that he's changed his mind and is tired of waiting.
This entangled web of thoughts got the best of me for nearly an hour and a half.
The next thing I considered was the possibility of putting love above all else...
4. Love is always supposed to come first, right?
Does this mean that I stick around Naples and go to FGCU so that we can remain together, or does this apply to his side of the deal, implying that we should respect one another's goals and find a way to be together despite the challenges we're presented with?
5. WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH THE CUTE SHIRT I MADE?... "THE NAVY MAY HAVE MY SAILOR, BUT I HAVE HIS HEART"
damn it. hahah
It seems as though no matter how hard you try to plan your life, it will twist, wriggle, and turn, until the unexpected occurs and you're left clueless once again. I suppose that's the beauty of it.
Cheers to being oblivious... it kept my baby right where he belongs!
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)