When you ring the doorbell

and I don't answer the first time...
what makes you think I'll answer it the second time?
...or third?


I don't even care that you can see me.








I'm too busy snuggling with my baby B!

This is what Jeffie and I do

when we're bored on Thursday nights...

Fallen Humanity

There are people in my life who I used to look up to. Used to see as inspirational because of what I perceived as their passion for morality. Used to consider heroes because of their proclaimed belief in the duty of every person to stand up for what they believe in, even while the rest of society is giving in to temptation.

I don't anymore.

Look up to them, that is. Because... suddenly... or not so suddenly... I see what they truly are beneath the mask of good judgement. I see their fear of gossip. I see how they claim that they live without drugs, without alcohol, without random hookups and one night stands... but they claim this only for others. They're lying to themselves and hoping the rest of us see through their flimsy disguise so as to protect their reputation. And this attempt to escape the truth shows me that they are not heroes any longer. Just fallen humanity, so lost and scared that they feel they must hurt to be heard.

Because I said so ♥

Johnny: And I love that you have this insane way of talking in circles that makes perfect sense.
Milly: I do? Cause sometimes I feel like nobody understands me. But...
Johnny: But Me... I get you.

Love Yourself :)

"Later that day I got to thinking about relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you that you love...well, that's just fabulous." -Carrie, Sex and the City

Hmm...

"All the elements for your happiness are already here.

There's no need to run,

strive, search or struggle. Just be."

:)

This tattoo would belong to Justin if he didn't have such a fear of needles.

A lesson learned young and applied recently.

I have always liked to cook.
I've never been too good at it, but I have always liked it.
Around the time that I was six or seven years old, my Grandma decided to take it upon herself to teach me everything she knew. I would stand on a chair in her kitchen so that I was tall enough to reach the counter, and I'd help her to stir the soup, shake in small amounts of spices, and of course, to sample everything.
Sometimes I'd stick my fingers in the pot and grab out the carrots when she wasn't looking. When she happened to catch sight of me doing so, she'd scoop out a few and put them in a bowel and sit me up on the counter. As I sat licking my tiny fingers clean and swinging my short legs, I watched intently as she dumped in various ingrediants. It amazed me to watch her cook.
She was always so confident in anything she made. She'd pick up pepper, salt, garlic, chili powder...anything she could find really... and she'd just throw some in. She never measured a thing, and yet, she never seemed concerned that it wouldn't be delicious either.
Eventually I worked my way up to cooking meals on my own, and throwing in my own ingrediants at random. When she'd find me a bit hesitant to throw in more than a pinch of certain spices, my Grandma would urge me to be more "risky."
I guess I had never thought of cooking as a chance to be "risky," but I liked the idea as soon as it was mentioned, and began dumping in anything I could get my hands on. It felt good too. That is, until I took a taste. My nose burned from the amount of vinegar I had dumped in, and my eyes swelled with tears realizing that I had ruined the soup I had been so proud of.
But my Grandma came to my rescue with a bottle of lemon juice she had found hidden somewhere deep within the refridgerator. Surprisingly, it's acidic composition negated all traces of the vinegar. She wiped a few tears from my eyes, spooned out some of my creation, and gave me a taste... it was GREAT.

Last night, after a heart-felt conversation full of confessions, these memories of cooking with my Grandma flooded my mind. I laid awake for hours on end, searching for meaning, until an underlying lesson became apparent... My Grandma taught me much more than how to make a simple meal on that day. She had taught me that sometimes in life you've just got to throw in everything you can without caring much about the consequences.

I feel as though I finally understand what she had been trying to teach me all along only now that the conversation I had last night took place. I couldn't grasp it's full meaning until I found myself in a situation for which it applied. Now I realize that just like cooking, love also requires great risk.

In past relationships... with guys, friends, even family... I have been pressured. I have been insulted. I have been put through more than anybody could ever imagine... by even people that I thought were supposed to love me. Those past experiences had knocked me down. They'd made me self conscious, worrisome, and even spiteful. Instead of allowing myself to become vulnerable again, I put up a certain sort of wall... a wall that made it almost impossible for me to completely open up to anyone. I guess I hadn't realized that I had done so until Justin called me out on it during our conversation last night. The more and more I thought about it, the more sense it made to me. He was absolutely right. My past relationships with people were always ones that I threw my all into. Unfortunately, a lot of those didn't end quite so respectively and so I quit allowing myself to put my whole heart into relationships. I was so afraid of being hurt again.

Love is something that should be approached with reckless abandon though. It's all about handing somebody your whole heart, knowing that they have the power to break it in half, but trusting them not to. A few mistakes in the past might leave you with a few fears for the future, but that should never stop you from living in the moment. You've got to give people the benefit of the doubt... throw in everything you've got, and love endlessly. If you should happen to have too much "vinegar", or too many problems, in the end there's always some kind of solution. But don't let that fear keep you from making your move, or even being yourself.

I promise that from now on, I will be making significant changes in my life now that I realize how much I have been holding back.
I will be opening up considerably to the ones that I love most. I will no longer judge myself with those same insulting remarks that I've heard from others in the past. And I will no longer hold back in fear.

I'm giving this life everything I've got. Prepare yourself.

WEAR SUNSCREEN

In my opinion, this is the best speech ever written.

The apology I got after the world's cruelest joke.

I was standing outside talking on my cell phone, mad as hell, and when I looked up to the sliding glass doors, this is what I saw.

This is goodbye.

It seems as if I have hit a bump in the road, and so I will be spending time away from blogspot until I find some sort of resolve. I'm not sure if this will take only a matter of days, or something more serious such as a matter of months. I'm not even really sure if I will be back at all, but for those of you that keep checking back anyways, I appreciate you.
(Except you, Jeffrey... I really hate you today.)

This is goodbye.

The 2 highlights of my day:

1. I don't really know where in our conversation Justin and I fell asleep, but I awoke around 4 pm to find that we had been sharing a pillow, our noses nearly touching and Justin's arm across my back. He had a strong hold on my shoulder as he pulled me close. I laid there a few minutes, a smile spread across my face, thinking about what I'd give to wake up like that every morning. Finally I decided I'd better leave so I didn't wake him. I lifted his arm gently and slipped out from beneath it to leave him to his nap.
2. After he awoke, the following conversation took place.


Justin: "I've gotta start heading home, babe."
Nicole: "You sure?"
Justin: "You wanna come with me?"
Nicole: "You know I can't."
Justin: "Sure you can. We'll run away."
Nicole: " ...and where do you suggest we run to?"
Justin: "Well, how much money do you have?"
Nicole: "2 dollars and 13 cents."
Justin: "hmm. Combined with what I have, we still don't have enough to get us very far but I'll make you a deal."
Nicole: "Let's hear it."
Justin: "We'll put all our spare change in an old box and we'll save it up to run away together...just the two of us. We won't tell anybody where we're headed, or when we're leaving."
Nicole: "I'm gonna hold you to that."

What makes this even better is that it was all whispered as I sat with my back to Justin, his arms around me in that blue-ish sort of light you only find right before the sunset.

:)

cheers to being oblivious!

Holy canoley. Boy, if you don't have something for your blog tonight... you have no feelings, and thus, no soul.

Life has taken a 180!... stopped me dead in my tracks, spun me around a few times until I was dizzy and incompetent, and left me stumbling backwards, away from all plans I had previously made. And all of this as the result of a single phone call! It went something along the lines of, "Nicole- I'm out of the NAVY... not required to fulfill any previous obligations. In fact, I'm planning on moving to Naples by the end of the summer, and going to school there to become a chef."

I wish that I weren't so burnt out on writing because I really do have a lot to say about the matter. However, for now the most I can promise to summon up is a list of questions I find myself with...

1. What does this entail for Justin and I as a couple?
For as long as we've been dating, even before then, I have known that at some point or another Justin would be forced to pack up his things and leave. I didn't necessarily look forward to having him leave me behind, but I did look forward to the adventures he'd embark on and the stories he'd come home to me with. He used to tell me that he planned to be together even throughout his time away with the NAVY. I regarded that as a guaranteed 4 years. Strange as it may sound, this comforted me because I actually figured that his time away would help us to understand just how blessed we were to have one another. Now I find myself anxious to find out what will become of us in the long run without this reminder to be appreciative.

2. What if I'm the one leaving?
I also had considered the fact that with Justin gone, leaving for college would be much easier than it would be if he were here tempting me to stay at home. This stubborn side of me has been desperate to convince my parents for years that no boy would ever be enough to keep me here at home rather than out accomplishing my goals. They laughed in my face, and I never could make sense of it. It all makes sense to me now though. They understood love all along, and I hadn't any idea.

3. What does this mean for my own goals?
This becomes an increasingly desperate question as my senior year rolls around and I am forced to make decisions about college and my plans for "the real world." I mean, these decisions will have a considerable impact on the course of my life! That's intimidating.
I have high hopes for my own success, however. I plan to graduate with honors. I plan to write a powerful speech for my own graduation ceremony and have it approved by our principal. I plan to attend college (though I now have narrowed my preferences to either Tallahassee for FSU's film and broadcasting program, or nearby Orlando for Full Sail's film and production program.) I plan to move out of my house within my first couple years of graduating. I plan to have an impressing career doing something I love.
But above all, I plan to laugh, live, and make the most of myself. I deserve it.

I want to believe that Justin will respect these plans, and wait for me as I complete them, even if that means I'll be leaving Naples behind.
Who am I to even ask this of anyone, though?
Suppose I did work up the nerve to ask... love has no guarantees either, leaving the decision an impossible one to make with complete confidence.
Justin could just as well decide that he's changed his mind and is tired of waiting.

This entangled web of thoughts got the best of me for nearly an hour and a half.
The next thing I considered was the possibility of putting love above all else...

4. Love is always supposed to come first, right?
Does this mean that I stick around Naples and go to FGCU so that we can remain together, or does this apply to his side of the deal, implying that we should respect one another's goals and find a way to be together despite the challenges we're presented with?

5. WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH THE CUTE SHIRT I MADE?... "THE NAVY MAY HAVE MY SAILOR, BUT I HAVE HIS HEART"
damn it. hahah

It seems as though no matter how hard you try to plan your life, it will twist, wriggle, and turn, until the unexpected occurs and you're left clueless once again. I suppose that's the beauty of it.
Cheers to being oblivious... it kept my baby right where he belongs!

SEXY.

I seduce ducks from time to time.

I need help

and I don't know who to ask for it from.

So much at ease.

"Look at that. I told the cashier 35 dollars worth of gas, and that's exactly how much filled up my truck. I know what my baby needs!" -Justin
I rolled my eyes.
"I know what both of my babies need." -Justin (as he set his hand on my leg)
"Oh please." -Nicole
"Really." -Justin
"Is that so? Try me. Right here, right now...."-Nicole
"Why do you always have to do that?" -Justin
"what?" -Nicole
"Prove me wrong." -Justin
"Because I've been throwing you bones all day and you still haven't picked up on this one. Looks like I'm gonna have to come right out and say it..." -Nicole

...Although it may stir uneasiness from time to time, I can not even begin to explain tonight just how grateful I am for the relationship I have with Justin. It really is nice to be able to talk to him about anything that we ever come across.
It was even nicer to hear him remind me that I never have to beat around the bush or be nervous to bring something up. That's why we're together... we understand one another.

I have a feeling that I will sleep easy tonight having gotten so much off my chest.
:)

Thank you for that.

holy crap, Kristi, you walk weird.

You must have trust.

"Sometimes you cannot believe what you see, you have to believe what you feel. And if you are ever going to have other people trust you, you must feel that you can trust them too- even when you're completely in the dark."

Last night I heard something that completely took me by surprise. Hell, I posted a "wtf and a half." I don't even know what that means! I won't get into the specifics but I will include that the information I heard made me question my trust in one of my closest friends. I stumbled upon the above quote this morning after I had had some time to cool off, however. It was at that exact moment that I was bombarded with memories of my friend's heartfelt confession- tone, posture, and all. I felt his saddened gaze all over again, silently begging me to understand...And I realized, I do believe him.
You have to trust in those few things that can put you at ease rather than every unsubstantiated rumor you come across. You must have trust.

On her mind...

She knew there were a lot of things she would forget once he left but
the fit of that camouflage hat
the smell of his neck as he turned his head
the sound of his voice as he whispered to her
the way he looked at her when he told her she was crazy
that outstretched smile he rarely went without
and those bright blue eyes, blazing with innocence
would never be one of them.