The apology I got after the world's cruelest joke.

I was standing outside talking on my cell phone, mad as hell, and when I looked up to the sliding glass doors, this is what I saw.

This is goodbye.

It seems as if I have hit a bump in the road, and so I will be spending time away from blogspot until I find some sort of resolve. I'm not sure if this will take only a matter of days, or something more serious such as a matter of months. I'm not even really sure if I will be back at all, but for those of you that keep checking back anyways, I appreciate you.
(Except you, Jeffrey... I really hate you today.)

This is goodbye.

The 2 highlights of my day:

1. I don't really know where in our conversation Justin and I fell asleep, but I awoke around 4 pm to find that we had been sharing a pillow, our noses nearly touching and Justin's arm across my back. He had a strong hold on my shoulder as he pulled me close. I laid there a few minutes, a smile spread across my face, thinking about what I'd give to wake up like that every morning. Finally I decided I'd better leave so I didn't wake him. I lifted his arm gently and slipped out from beneath it to leave him to his nap.
2. After he awoke, the following conversation took place.


Justin: "I've gotta start heading home, babe."
Nicole: "You sure?"
Justin: "You wanna come with me?"
Nicole: "You know I can't."
Justin: "Sure you can. We'll run away."
Nicole: " ...and where do you suggest we run to?"
Justin: "Well, how much money do you have?"
Nicole: "2 dollars and 13 cents."
Justin: "hmm. Combined with what I have, we still don't have enough to get us very far but I'll make you a deal."
Nicole: "Let's hear it."
Justin: "We'll put all our spare change in an old box and we'll save it up to run away together...just the two of us. We won't tell anybody where we're headed, or when we're leaving."
Nicole: "I'm gonna hold you to that."

What makes this even better is that it was all whispered as I sat with my back to Justin, his arms around me in that blue-ish sort of light you only find right before the sunset.

:)

cheers to being oblivious!

Holy canoley. Boy, if you don't have something for your blog tonight... you have no feelings, and thus, no soul.

Life has taken a 180!... stopped me dead in my tracks, spun me around a few times until I was dizzy and incompetent, and left me stumbling backwards, away from all plans I had previously made. And all of this as the result of a single phone call! It went something along the lines of, "Nicole- I'm out of the NAVY... not required to fulfill any previous obligations. In fact, I'm planning on moving to Naples by the end of the summer, and going to school there to become a chef."

I wish that I weren't so burnt out on writing because I really do have a lot to say about the matter. However, for now the most I can promise to summon up is a list of questions I find myself with...

1. What does this entail for Justin and I as a couple?
For as long as we've been dating, even before then, I have known that at some point or another Justin would be forced to pack up his things and leave. I didn't necessarily look forward to having him leave me behind, but I did look forward to the adventures he'd embark on and the stories he'd come home to me with. He used to tell me that he planned to be together even throughout his time away with the NAVY. I regarded that as a guaranteed 4 years. Strange as it may sound, this comforted me because I actually figured that his time away would help us to understand just how blessed we were to have one another. Now I find myself anxious to find out what will become of us in the long run without this reminder to be appreciative.

2. What if I'm the one leaving?
I also had considered the fact that with Justin gone, leaving for college would be much easier than it would be if he were here tempting me to stay at home. This stubborn side of me has been desperate to convince my parents for years that no boy would ever be enough to keep me here at home rather than out accomplishing my goals. They laughed in my face, and I never could make sense of it. It all makes sense to me now though. They understood love all along, and I hadn't any idea.

3. What does this mean for my own goals?
This becomes an increasingly desperate question as my senior year rolls around and I am forced to make decisions about college and my plans for "the real world." I mean, these decisions will have a considerable impact on the course of my life! That's intimidating.
I have high hopes for my own success, however. I plan to graduate with honors. I plan to write a powerful speech for my own graduation ceremony and have it approved by our principal. I plan to attend college (though I now have narrowed my preferences to either Tallahassee for FSU's film and broadcasting program, or nearby Orlando for Full Sail's film and production program.) I plan to move out of my house within my first couple years of graduating. I plan to have an impressing career doing something I love.
But above all, I plan to laugh, live, and make the most of myself. I deserve it.

I want to believe that Justin will respect these plans, and wait for me as I complete them, even if that means I'll be leaving Naples behind.
Who am I to even ask this of anyone, though?
Suppose I did work up the nerve to ask... love has no guarantees either, leaving the decision an impossible one to make with complete confidence.
Justin could just as well decide that he's changed his mind and is tired of waiting.

This entangled web of thoughts got the best of me for nearly an hour and a half.
The next thing I considered was the possibility of putting love above all else...

4. Love is always supposed to come first, right?
Does this mean that I stick around Naples and go to FGCU so that we can remain together, or does this apply to his side of the deal, implying that we should respect one another's goals and find a way to be together despite the challenges we're presented with?

5. WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH THE CUTE SHIRT I MADE?... "THE NAVY MAY HAVE MY SAILOR, BUT I HAVE HIS HEART"
damn it. hahah

It seems as though no matter how hard you try to plan your life, it will twist, wriggle, and turn, until the unexpected occurs and you're left clueless once again. I suppose that's the beauty of it.
Cheers to being oblivious... it kept my baby right where he belongs!

SEXY.

I seduce ducks from time to time.

I need help

and I don't know who to ask for it from.

So much at ease.

"Look at that. I told the cashier 35 dollars worth of gas, and that's exactly how much filled up my truck. I know what my baby needs!" -Justin
I rolled my eyes.
"I know what both of my babies need." -Justin (as he set his hand on my leg)
"Oh please." -Nicole
"Really." -Justin
"Is that so? Try me. Right here, right now...."-Nicole
"Why do you always have to do that?" -Justin
"what?" -Nicole
"Prove me wrong." -Justin
"Because I've been throwing you bones all day and you still haven't picked up on this one. Looks like I'm gonna have to come right out and say it..." -Nicole

...Although it may stir uneasiness from time to time, I can not even begin to explain tonight just how grateful I am for the relationship I have with Justin. It really is nice to be able to talk to him about anything that we ever come across.
It was even nicer to hear him remind me that I never have to beat around the bush or be nervous to bring something up. That's why we're together... we understand one another.

I have a feeling that I will sleep easy tonight having gotten so much off my chest.
:)

Thank you for that.

holy crap, Kristi, you walk weird.

You must have trust.

"Sometimes you cannot believe what you see, you have to believe what you feel. And if you are ever going to have other people trust you, you must feel that you can trust them too- even when you're completely in the dark."

Last night I heard something that completely took me by surprise. Hell, I posted a "wtf and a half." I don't even know what that means! I won't get into the specifics but I will include that the information I heard made me question my trust in one of my closest friends. I stumbled upon the above quote this morning after I had had some time to cool off, however. It was at that exact moment that I was bombarded with memories of my friend's heartfelt confession- tone, posture, and all. I felt his saddened gaze all over again, silently begging me to understand...And I realized, I do believe him.
You have to trust in those few things that can put you at ease rather than every unsubstantiated rumor you come across. You must have trust.

On her mind...

She knew there were a lot of things she would forget once he left but
the fit of that camouflage hat
the smell of his neck as he turned his head
the sound of his voice as he whispered to her
the way he looked at her when he told her she was crazy
that outstretched smile he rarely went without
and those bright blue eyes, blazing with innocence
would never be one of them.

Don't mess with me.

I am merely a girl with a voice, the nerve, and a revolutionary stance that probably causes more problems than it solves; but for as long as there is this little bit of fight and scrap left in me- I will stand up for myself. This laughter, this independence, this foolishness, confidence, intelligence, and strength... I am the sum of these parts, and for that, I am also proud.

Yearbook 0707

I am currently sitting in yearbook beside Jenni, laughing at the awkward poses and expressions captured in a folder of mostly candid's.



Funny thing is... I just met Ben at church on Sunday.

Exactly how I'd like to be remembered...

"Oh yes, Nicole... She made a spectacle of herself on a regular basis, mostly because she loved to hear people laugh. It made her laugh, as well, and her smile was one that she couldn't help but pass around a room. Everybody seemed to pick it up. She liked adventures and so she was constantly taking risks, and trying new things. To be honest, she lived with a continual spontanuity...she thrived off of it really. She let nothing stand in the way of her and her dreams, and she truly enjoyed life."

yeah right, kid.

I almost died laughing when Chrissy suggested I buy more "Navy wear" for Justin.

no words left to blog.

I sat down with every intention of admitting just how overwhelmed I was last night, but the fact of the matter is that I am still speechless.

All I can say is, what a feeling.

Happy Valentines Day...

It seems as if starting my diet on time didn't matter anyways because I had my fair share of indulgences today ;)
Thanks for ALL of them, babe.
1. A dozen long stemmed red roses personally delivered to me by this world's cutest boy.

2. Dinner at P.F. Changs... and not even just dinner, but a dinner big enough to last me for about three days.
3. Double dessert because they made two by mistake.
4. My fortune cookie's message: "There's a good chance of a romantic encounter soon."
5. God only knows how many sweet kisses.
6. One fun game of I-Spy
7. And a night spent watching one of our favorite movies, Major Payne.

On a scale from 1 to 10, I'd say it was about a 35.
....He's just that sweet.

I rode this!

The conversation that took place while we were sitting still at the top, waiting for the others to be seated on their end...
(all while screaming because we were sitting on opposite sides)
Nicole: Jimmy, I just hate you.
Jimmy just laughing hysterically.
Nicole:I just really hate you because you talk me into the STUPIDEST things.
Jimmy: Are you crying?
Nicole: Almost
Jimmy laughs some more.
Nicole: you're a douche bag.
Jimmy: I'm only laughing because you do this EVERY time and you always end up liking whatever it is I dragged you into.
Nicole: I don't care. I hate you.

About 2 and a half minutes later...
Nicole: ahahahahahahahah
Jimmy: what?
Nicole: I changed my mind.
Jimmy: I told you.
Nicole: but I still hate you. My mind's set on that.
Jimmy: I don't care you're weird. No offense.
Nicole: I was kidding
Jimmy: I was too..... I don't really care if you take offense to that.


hahah, what a day.
Waking up at 8
Lunch with my babe for his birthday
I'm really glad Justin's grandmother got her baked potato or it might not have ended up to be such a good experience ;)
Back to his house to rest for a few
Seafood Festival with Jimsey...we ride the spinning strawberries and the VERY first thing that kid asked me before we got into them was...
"Is this going to be like last time where I do all the work and spin the thing and you just sit there?"
I told him no, but that's exactly how it ended up.
It was spinning so fast though that my head was thrown backwards and I was laughing so loud my chest hurt.
I'd say it was worth the hour drive to Everglades City.
After that, we hit up the fair... rode Zipper a couple times, I gave a 30 minute speech on everything you need to know about hog breeds, and 4H, we teased the turkeys, had a powdered sugar fight, watched a wrestling match, petted a wolf, and had a full out fist fight in the fair's parking lot.

All in all, I'd say it was a really good day.

A few truths...

1. I think it's a shame that so many people today are throwing away their morals. Surely they had some. Sometimes I wonder if they gave them away little by little until there was nothing left. It makes me worried that becoming that way seems guiltless at the time because you're never giving up much more than you already have so you never really realize when it gets to be too much.
2. I just learned how to stand up for myself recently. Sometimes I'm nervous that I'll meet a day on which I'm struggling to find the word, "NO"
3. I found something today...something that I think I wasn't meant to ever see...and I loved it.
4. We've switched roles when you really think about it. First you were falling fast and hard, and still waiting patiently for me to do the same...and now I believe that I've lapped you, and I'm waiting patiently for you to feel the way I do.

3 very important life lessons

On the way home from school today Nati and I were talking about another one of our life lessons, a couple actually. (We're known for these in depth life talks on the drive home so get used to hearing about them.) Today's subjects were learning to love the ones that are always there for you, and relying on nobody but yourself... two very contradicting subjects now that I think about it.

N2 Lesson # 3,487 - The ones we should (and most oftenly DO)learn to love are generally the one's that were there through it all:

It is often easy to overlook a friend that's always been by your side to offer you a helping hand, a crying shoulder, a couple of bucks, or anything else you may ever need. You figure that because they've always been there, they'll continue to be there. That's not always the case. It's hard to predict that any one person will always be there for you, so learning to especially appreciate the ones that DO stick around is an important first step.
Many people look for love in all the wrong places. They go out expecting to meet somebody new, somebody that will sweep them off their feet in record times. (The expectation is awfully demanding and I'm sure even they, themselves, will find it as nearly an impossible feat.)
Good friends just never seem like the right person to let into your life as anything more than just a friend, even if they have been by your side through it all. You think they can't possibly love you because they've already seen the worst in you, and that's an image you just can't erase from memory.
Maybe though that's just another reason to let them in as something more. They've seen you at your worst and they still have not screamed and run off. They've been there... in my case, offering advice to get you through rough patches with every one of your boyfriends even if they secretly envy them, at your bed side every day in that Lee Memorial hospital even if it was way out of their own way, coming by to wish you luck before your big swine show at the county fair, inspiring you to keep on pursuing your goals even amidst a pressuring society, and respecting those goals even if they don't always completely understand them.

It was about this far into our conversation that Nati started screaming..."THAT'S EXACTLY RIGHT. ALL. THE. GOOD. GUYS... THE REALLY GOOD GUYS... ARE. THERE. ALL. ALONG! IT'S SO PAINFULLY OBVIOUS THAT IT'S SO EASY TO OVERLOOK!"
She pumped her fist each time she emphasized a word, all with my poor, squishy, green octopus, Oswald, in hand.
Somewhere in the middle of her sentences I heard Oswald....
"PFFFUUFFFTTTt!"...(yup. it sounded JUST like that.)
I looked over and green goo and bits of styrofoam balls dripped from Nati's face.
I was driving about 20 mph because I was laughing so hard that I was afraid I'd have an accident if I drove any faster. I pulled over into E's parking lot so I could finish my fit of crying laughter as Nati wiped the thick, slimy, green goo around her face with her jacket sleeve and picked styrofoam pencil-eraser sized balls off the backs of her eyelids.
I honestly thought I might die of laugher as all of this happened.
My sides were killing me, tears were pouring out of my eyes, my chest felt heavy under the pressure of laughing so hard, and my heart felt as if it were beating a hundred times too fast.



Here is what remains of my squishy green friend...




N2 Lesson # 3,488
DO NOT SQUEEZE DOLLAR STORE ...
OCTO-PI? OCTOPUSES? OCTOPUSSIES!?
(If anybody could give me the correct plural form of Octopus I'd greatly appreciate it.)


N2 Lesson # 3,489 (Our final lesson of the day.)- Relying on yourself ensures a job done well.
As good as it feels to have a best friend, a boyfriend, a strong brotherly or sisterly bond, it may also be scary to give any one person so much of your trust. If you're absolutely sure that this person has your back 24/7 then there's no need to tell you that your "BFF" label is insufficient. However, keep it mind that it also feels good to do things for yourself. Sometimes the only real way to ensure a task is completed correctly is to do it yourself... and once it's done you'll feel good about yourself knowing you were able to do it independently.