Tatum & I reporting for bed...

Have I even been able to mention Tatum, the newest addition to our family?!
It's been such a long time since I've curled up with my laptop and talked about everything going on here at the Merriam residence. Perhaps that's because there has been SO MUCH going on that there's never any time left over to write about it. Let's catch up!

Every dog that my family has ever had has been one that we've picked out. There's been Jack and Leroy, Samantha, Duke and Charlie, Luka and Rascal, and of course, our little Tanner. We fell in love with their tiny puppy features but then decided that they weren't the right dogs for us by the time they had stopped growing. (All with the exception of Tanner, the chihuahua. He's not the best dog, but he won my Momma's heart early on with his tiny stature and big attitude.)It's not something I'm eager to admit, and memories of leaving so many dogs behind at animal shelters or with new families now stirs up guilt within me. The difference with Tatum, however, was that SHE picked US.




Tatum used to belong to a guy that lived just down the road from us. We suspect that he didn't treat her very well because she was consistently escaping from his yard and hanging out in ours. She was always especially thin, and when we set out food and water she would lick both bowls clean within only a couple of minutes. Her owner would walk down the street calling her name, "Red," and when he finally found her and reached down to scoop her up, she would first cower, and then growl baring her sharp teeth. It was the only "violent" act we ever saw from her... she was usually just a playful puppy, eager to coat you in kisses.
My family soon began calling her "Big T" because she looked so much like our Tanner. Same markings, same body frame (just much larger), and the same characteristic ears. Dad loved to bring her inside and slip her treats. I snuck her inside more than a few times when I was home alone. She took rides across town with me to run errands. Mom fed her almost every day. And she really won all of our hearts over.
About two months ago, a cold snap came through and Tatum came down to sleep in our garage for a few nights rather than her cold, damp backyard at home. On the third night of the cold snap, my parents went to one of their weekly bible studies and my brother and I were both at work. Coming and going and seeing Big T inbetween was routine for us and we learned never to be expecting her presence when we returned home. I don't think we ever prepared ourselves to find her frantic, soaked in blood and convulsing, however.
Mom took a towel from in the house and wrapped her in it, holding her close to calm her down. Dad assessed the situation... blood splattered across our driveway, dripping from the garage door, in puddles on the garage floor. And then realizing they had no idea where to find her real owner, and not even 100% sure that he hadn't been the one to do this to her, they made the decision to call Animal Control. That night a man came and got her. She cried at having to leave us, and barked, growled, even tried to bite the man that dared take her away from the only love she'd ever known. Her aggressive behavior landed her with a large, bold notice on her 'solitary confinement' cage back at the shelter. Her owners had one week to claim her before she underwent a behavioral examination and ultimately went for adoption. Either that, or be put to sleep if she failed her behavioral examination. A week went by and as my family dropped by the shelter to check up on her, she had made little progress. Her owners had not called, either. My mom advised that the professionals there address her by "Big T" rather than "Red" and it was only a matter of hours before they called our house to tell us of the change they had seen in her. Two days later, she passed her behavioral examination, was put up for adoption, and then came home to a family that very much adores her :)

Found this tonight in an old diary of mine...

"Last night involved a collaboration of hot, happy tears, the most genuine smile I've ever known, and a heart-felt joy unlike anything my soul has experienced.
At 11:11, I prayed for God to show me whether or not Justin was the one I was meant to spend the rest of my life with. I can't tell you exactly why I made such a request, and I can't tell you what I really expected to happen either.
It couldn't have been any longer than a half hour later that Justin came through my bedroom door and woke me up with a soft kiss on the forehead. He climbed into bed beside me and gently lifted my head from the pillow and onto his shoulder. I struggled to keep my eyes open as I listened to the steady beating of his heart, but they never managed to stay open for more than a few seconds before falling shut again. He laughed, told me I was the cutest thing, and ran his fingers through my hair.
As my drowsy stupor began to wear off, I looked Justin in the eyes. A strong hand held my cheek as delicately as possible and he kissed me softly upon the lips.
I have never been this in love. I told him that. I told him of my 11:11 wish, and we laid, noses touching, nothing held back. He told me that he loved me with everything that he had then began to kiss me, and I became so overwhelmed with emotion that my eyes stung with tears.
Taking my face into his hands once more, Justin used his thumbs to wipe away the hot tears rolling down my flushed cheeks. A smile from as deep as my own soul surfaced and it seemed as though I could not have suppressed it if I tried. I have never been that truly happy before. I wondered if he could see that this smile was unlike any other I've ever had. I felt as if I were glowing. I felt as if everything was the way it should be.
With adoring eyes, I watched him study me. No words were exchanged, only the understanding that two lovers' eyes can share. Finally, a smile spread across his face as well.
"What?" It was all I could manage to whisper with a smile so big.
"You're just....you're beautiful."
It was the perfect thing to say. I laid my head back onto his chest and observed a much faster rhythm than I had before. I closed my eyes and thanked God for answering my prayers. I knew Justin was it.. my best friend... my soulmate."

Ain't that the way it goes? Always stumbling into something...

I'm not as naive or as sheltered as you think I am. So stop thinking you can treat me this way.

Renovations!

Decided that "Carpe Diem" was becoming outdated... I have had this blog since my sophomore year of high school, after all. Hope all you old CD fans can still find me.

"Swimmin' In Sunshine!" .... It just fits lately :)

2010, all summed up.

A picture update of my experiences and accomplishments this past year...









Went to Grad Bash 2010 at Universal Studios with the most amazing friends. Saw Sean Kingston in concert there, as well. Easily the best night of my life.









Discovered my artistic ability.











Attended my first Masquerade, without a mask. Prom 2010.







Graduated high school with honors.













Celebrated my graduation with the ones that I love most: my family and closest friends.









Went sea-kayaking through the San Juan Islands in Washington state.






Quit my job.... Then quit my new job and went back to my old job.





Commemorated my 2nd anniversary with the man I love!







Became a MACY's Thanksgiving Day Parade Certified Balloon Handler.

And kept things interesting....ALWAYS.

throwback!

CARPE DIEM.

I find myself clinging to Carpe Diem today to help me confront an issue that maybe we all are a little guilty of when our hearts get to aching.(Which you will come to realize is ironic.) Why is it that when things do not go our way, and we just can't seem to find a way to express it, we look for song lyrics, or short quotes, or some way to display our feelings in small pieces on social media sites? We act like we're being sly...or some of us are so obvious it's almost entertaining. Why the heck do we put ourselves through this though? And then we get so mad when the people we want to notice still have no idea what's going on with us. It's like we post secrets that we desperately wish our loved ones will work to decode.
I know why we do it. MEMORIES. We cling on to the idea "what ifs?" We beat ourselves up about it until it leaks out in funny ways for all to see. Don't let things from your past interfere with the here and now...hold onto it like that last tight hug at the moment being... because when you cast it away, it's gone for good. No matter how many "what if's?" you summon up in your head... not one of them will ever get a chance. Live in the NOW.. and love every minute of it. Don't play games with yourself, you're wasting time, and it's a beautiful day!
I've spent years writing "in code" on this blog, and hoping that the people I'm writing to will come across my posts. It was so much easier than dealing with them face to face. But I'm making this change, and I'm living in the moment. CARPE DIEM.

I promise that this will make your day.

This is why I love the Ellen Show so much...

I make someone feel extraordinary.

Lately I feel as though my appreciation, my trust, my affection for Justin has been tripling by the day. We've been put through a lot, not only throughout the course of our relationship thus far, but specifically these past couple of weeks; and watching the courage that he has faced each obstacle with and the security he has done his best to ensure for me has been amazing.

I think I wrote a couple of weeks ago mentioning that I was in a lot of pain and constantly hunched over, hardly able to walk. I had to quit working, and eventually even getting dressed and out of the house became too much of a hassle for me. When that happened, Justin began dropping by my house to visit and check up on me. Just last Tuesday he made his way over after a long day of work to see me and to spend the night with me. We laid in bed and talked for a couple of hours before the poor thing could hardly keep his eyes open any longer.

We woke the next morning, ate a quick breakfast, and took showers. Justin had a few errands to run over at Edison State College and then we were heading to his cousin's apartment to help them move out. It was as I was slipping on my shoes that I got a phone call from my Dad who told me that I had 20 minutes to pack a bag and to be ready to leave the house... I was being rushed into emergency surgery and he was on his way to get me.

I hardly had time to hang up the phone before I burst into tears. An equally as terrified Justin took me into his arms and tried to catch the full story in between my gasps for air. Although it was his only day off from work and he could have just as easily decided he didn't want to waste it sitting around any hospital, Justin never left my side. He held me as I cried on my living room couch. He held my hand as doctors examined me and nurses poked me for blood and IV's. He was there to kiss my forehead as I was wheeled into the Operating Room. And he tucked me into bed at night in that cold, dark hospital room with the warm promise of his return in the morning.

...And he stood true to his word. For the next three days, J was at that hospital every morning as soon as I awoke and stayed until he had to be at work. There is NOTHING that I can even say to reveal how much that spoke to me. I have always known that he would give away everything if it meant making me happy, but during those couple days I saw the size of a man's heart. I saw his true character. I saw an unmasked, scared-to-death man willing to do anything to set things right, and to take his girl back home with him unharmed. I saw a grown man cry.

I don't know if really anyone knows how to percieve tears, either. Let them cry it out? Rush to them with a hug? Offer advice? ...I personally think girls are just as clueless as to why guys cry and what to do about it as guys are uncertain about girls' tears. I don't fully understand what was going through Justin's head as I was rushed to that hospital. I don't know whether he realized immediately how dangerous such a surgery was (with the diagnosis doctors first assumed). I don't know whether it registered to him at that moment, a time of emergency, how important to him I was. Or I don't know if he just didn't like to see me cry... but hearing him admit to breaking down tore me to pieces.

It had taken until that moment for me to fully register that I mean everything to someone.

All of your life you're taught to be yourself... to live for the things that make you happy and never worry about anyone else. You never really stop to consider that as you're out there doing your own thing, there could be someone that has always been there, following you just to admire your radiance.
One day they approach you. The next day you're in love. And from there on out, you spend all of your time focusing on what they do to make you happy. And no matter how many times they tell you how much you mean to them, it never fully registers because you can only think of how happy being there with them is making you. You brag to your friends about them. You spend hours upon days upon weeks daydreaming about them.
You give them everything you have to offer.... and then you wonder why they don't feel as though they deserve it. They're caught up in the same mess you don't even know you're in.

And then one day, something happens. Maybe you have a medical emergency (such as it was with my situation). Maybe you move away, and they do everything within their power to bring you back home. Maybe they propose. Maybe you watch two elderly lovers and decide that your own love is strong enough to withstand a lifetime together. Maybe you wake up in the night and you finally understand....

YOU MAKE SOMEONE FEEL

EXTRAORDINARY!

Just as extraordinary as they make you feel. And this sudden realization....

causes you to fall even deeper in love. ♥

Flying high!...with occasional turbulence.

I sat down before my computer tonight with the sole intention of explaining just how much I have had on my mind. I had thought about what I'd write all night long, rehearsing the lines aloud while showering, or jotting down lists of things I wanted to be sure I mentioned. However, as I sat down and began my update, I realized that it was the same post I had been revising and re-posting for months now. Nothing has changed...I'm STILL completely consumed by staying out of debt, working, seeking an internship, doing well in school, applying for scholarships, becoming successful, and still finding time to sleep at night.

In the midst of all this running around it's been easy to forget to focus on my passion. I have not had any chance to embrace life's most simple treasures.
I haven't laid out in the grass and looked up at the clouds, wondering what it might be like to jump across the tops of them. I haven't imagined letting balloons take me soaring into the sky, either.
...Perhaps this is exactly what a man in Oregon felt like three years ago when he settled into his lawn chair with a bag of Doritos....and a parachute. Attached to his lawnchair were somewhere around 105 large, helium balloons that carried him through the sky, 193 miles from his home. He described the flight as mostly peaceful and serene, with occasional turbulence, like the most perfect escape from reality.



Someday when I'm gone I hope that someone, somewhere will regard me as as much of an inspiration as I regard ole' Oregon. I do not want to be remembered as an uptight individual who rarely ventured from her 'To Do' lists. I do not want people to recall that I kept to myself and became obsessed with work. Instead, I want for someone to say "Oh, yeah, Nicole? She was great. She loved to laugh... and she loved to make people laugh. She took risks....She followed her dreams."

Tonight, I am making a promise to be true to myself. I will no longer allow my obligations to interfere with my ability to dream. This is who I am.

With nothing to do all day, I decided to waste some time looking through the oldest posts of "Chill," a blog that I greatly miss catching up from.

Sunday, August 24, 2008:
"praise god!!!
i just came up with the best idea today.
this is going to be epic and she is going to love it."

Monday, August 25, 2008:
"one day im going to sing this song to her..."


Saturday, August 30, 2008:

"these last couple of days have been flat out awesome. last night was one night ill never forget because of this...
- football is back!!! thank god.
- seeing old friends at the football games
- shawn working on some kick ass chords to one of my songs.
- country night over at stevie tomatoes
- meeting new peeps
- movie over at nikki's
- staying the night with her =]
i want to relive that day. "

Monday, September 1, 2008:
"have you ever meet someone that rocked your world!? i mean the more i get to know this person the more im blessed to meet someone who is so original and genuine. i want to know this person more, dig into there deep thoughts and figure out more about their likes and dislikes. its strange too... i mean its a awesome feeling. idk what im saying lol. i hope this works out for the best cause i like this feeling and would not trade it for all the cash in the world.
in about 3 months i want to know where ill be with her... i guess there is only one way to find out and i intend to sit back to enjoy the ride that is life =] "


I had a lot of time yesterday to think about the way that my relationship with Justin is going. When we're together, I become so care-free and everything is about that single moment there with him. I don't so I took a step back and I looked at the big picture.

Thank You Mom and Dad

Mom and Dad,
I feel like my eighteenth birthday should be celebrated more as an accomplishment of yours' than of mine. I would like to thank you for everything you've given me throughout my childhood, and for preparing me to meet this day, the day that I step out into adulthood, in the best way that you knew how. You have told me time and time again, always jokingly, of course, that I was your "guinea pig." You had to experiment on me so that you'd know what to do once Jeffrey's turn came along. But as it turned out, you always knew just what to do, or just what to say. Or maybe you didn't. Maybe that was the beauty of it all along... you just sort of winged it, and it all turned out to be this good. Either way, you were able to relate to me both as parents, and as friends, and I have so much respect for the two of you because of that. It's a task that so many parents attempt to tackle, and so few actually accomplish.
Because we have always shared this close relationship, I don't think that I have been as quick to brush off your advice as any child or teenager usually would. You have taught me so much about finding faith in God, being appreciative, loving whole-heartedly, looking beyond face value, and always putting forth my all. But you have also taught me to take others' advice for what it was worth, and I think that's where you differ from other parents. You valued my opinion, and gave me that chance to learn on my own. Your lessons gave me a sort of framework to build my morals upon, and it was up to me to use what I had learned to continue my growth. I believe that it's made me a stronger, more independent woman.
You each have also gone out of your way to give me not only everything that I have ever needed, but also everything that I have ever wanted, and everything that you have ever thought I might want. I don't think that I have ever deserved it. Surely no one person could ever deserve so much. And I don't know that I have even ever said thank you. In fact, have I ever really looked you both in the eyes and told you how much I love you or how much I appreciate you? I realize that we've never been an especially sentimental family, but maybe it's something we ought to make a little more time for now and then. Time seems to be slipping us by so quickly... did it really seem like 18 years? ... and the last thing I want is to wish one day that I would have told you more often how much you meant to me.
I love you both so much. Thank you for everything. It has meant the world to me.

-Nicole

Rachael Clements, you crack me up.

"I love they way they riiiiiiideeeee it." -R
"Uhm, Ray, it's 'They love the way I ride it. Does she have a penis now or something?" -N
"No, but... oh shit, wait." -R (At the exact moment that she said "but" we both turned our heads and looked at each other about to say the same thing, then ended up cracking up.)
I don't believe every rumor I hear, but that was just funny. Sorry, Ciara.

Lovely quotes by John Merriam #3,874

"She's got the psycho in her eyes."

When the last beat comes.

How is it possible to lay here and have all 130 pounds of me feel almost three times as heavy? Each heart beat is a little louder than I remember the last having been and I count them while wondering about the day that they will eventually run out. What will I be feeling? What will I have done in my life up until that point? Will I feel complete? Will I have even prayed that day?

A lot of different people tell me that they know more about me by reading this blog than they do by talking to me in person. And while I may tell them that they ought to listen more, I also have to admit that it does seem easier to tell my story through writing. There's something about coming home at the end of the day and just laying here in the silence, analyzing ME. It seems that it's these late night entries that help me to put my life back together, or to figure out what's next.

It's my biggest hope that one day, many, many years from now I will be lying in bed, reflecting on my many blessings and again counting my heartbeats when that last one arrives. By then maybe I will have done this so many times that I'll have everything figured out, and each of my questions answered.

J told me once that "I feel as though you love me more than I love you" and those words have stuck with me. Although I know what he had meant, they echo a sort of worry throughout me anyways. Justin doesn't feel as though he's able to give me as much as I've given him, even when specifically talking about feelings, thoughts, or gestures rather than material objects. I have always thought him incredibly sweet with all of the surprises or cute good morning text messages he brings about. Not once have I ever complained that he hasn't done enough... and I'm still not complaining. But if Justin feels as though he's not doing enough, the one person who knows just how much he, himself is capable of... why wouldn't he do something to change that? Why wouldn't he do more to put himself on "a higher tier ofselflessness" or whatever he had called it earlier?!

Best Commercial Ever.

Every girl can relate to this. The screaming cat part is my all time favorite... I thought this video was going to take on "the true story of a period" for a minute.

Kick back and get high, on the livin' part of life.

Tomorrow I'm takin me fishin, hang a sign on the door of my life. Tell the whole world that I've gone missin, & I won't be back for a while. I'm so tired of only wishin' I could leave my troubles behind. I wanna be front porch rockin' with a big sun droppin' in a blue sky. Kick back and get high, on the livin' part of life.

Gone.

Labels mean nothing in life. In trying to find so much appeal, you lose it all. Be yourself, and cherish the things that make you beautiful.... your personal traits, not your possessions.