Life has taken a 180!... stopped me dead in my tracks, spun me around a few times until I was dizzy and incompetent, and left me stumbling backwards, away from all plans I had previously made. And all of this as the result of a single phone call! It went something along the lines of, "Nicole- I'm out of the NAVY... not required to fulfill any previous obligations. In fact, I'm planning on moving to Naples by the end of the summer, and going to school there to become a chef."
I wish that I weren't so burnt out on writing because I really do have a lot to say about the matter. However, for now the most I can promise to summon up is a list of questions I find myself with...
1. What does this entail for Justin and I as a couple?
For as long as we've been dating, even before then, I have known that at some point or another Justin would be forced to pack up his things and leave. I didn't necessarily look forward to having him leave me behind, but I did look forward to the adventures he'd embark on and the stories he'd come home to me with. He used to tell me that he planned to be together even throughout his time away with the NAVY. I regarded that as a guaranteed 4 years. Strange as it may sound, this comforted me because I actually figured that his time away would help us to understand just how blessed we were to have one another. Now I find myself anxious to find out what will become of us in the long run without this reminder to be appreciative.
2. What if I'm the one leaving?
I also had considered the fact that with Justin gone, leaving for college would be much easier than it would be if he were here tempting me to stay at home. This stubborn side of me has been desperate to convince my parents for years that no boy would ever be enough to keep me here at home rather than out accomplishing my goals. They laughed in my face, and I never could make sense of it. It all makes sense to me now though. They understood love all along, and I hadn't any idea.
3. What does this mean for my own goals?
This becomes an increasingly desperate question as my senior year rolls around and I am forced to make decisions about college and my plans for "the real world." I mean, these decisions will have a considerable impact on the course of my life! That's intimidating.
I have high hopes for my own success, however. I plan to graduate with honors. I plan to write a powerful speech for my own graduation ceremony and have it approved by our principal. I plan to attend college (though I now have narrowed my preferences to either Tallahassee for FSU's film and broadcasting program, or nearby Orlando for Full Sail's film and production program.) I plan to move out of my house within my first couple years of graduating. I plan to have an impressing career doing something I love.
But above all, I plan to laugh, live, and make the most of myself. I deserve it.
I want to believe that Justin will respect these plans, and wait for me as I complete them, even if that means I'll be leaving Naples behind.
Who am I to even ask this of anyone, though?
Suppose I did work up the nerve to ask... love has no guarantees either, leaving the decision an impossible one to make with complete confidence.
Justin could just as well decide that he's changed his mind and is tired of waiting.
This entangled web of thoughts got the best of me for nearly an hour and a half.
The next thing I considered was the possibility of putting love above all else...
4. Love is always supposed to come first, right?
Does this mean that I stick around Naples and go to FGCU so that we can remain together, or does this apply to his side of the deal, implying that we should respect one another's goals and find a way to be together despite the challenges we're presented with?
5. WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH THE CUTE SHIRT I MADE?... "THE NAVY MAY HAVE MY SAILOR, BUT I HAVE HIS HEART"
damn it. hahah
It seems as though no matter how hard you try to plan your life, it will twist, wriggle, and turn, until the unexpected occurs and you're left clueless once again. I suppose that's the beauty of it.
Cheers to being oblivious... it kept my baby right where he belongs!
