Scared!

Sitting alone in this cabin at night probably would be actually very enjoyable if I weren't such a baby, pacing the halls and cringing with every tick from the big clock cornered by the door.
The phone keeps ringing, but upon answering it, I am met with a dial tone. As I try to call out, an operator informs me that my own phone line has been disconnected.
I do my best to believe it each time until it mysteriously rings again.
It kills me to admit that I know the story of the one armed man isn't true, but I still half expect to have him come crashing through the sliding glass doors in the absense of my family. It also kills me to admit that I've been calling around, looking for somebody to stay on the phone with me long enough to allow my stomach to settle. Nobody is answering though so I'll either sit here until I get over all of this, or shit my pants... one of the two.

The Dungeon.

"The dungeon," as I like to call it, is the coldest darkest bedroom of the cabin. It is 2 stories below the cabin's main living area, and because the kids of the cabin are not allowed down to that room, the fact that is has no door is usually not too much of a problem.
This morning, however, I laid in bed listening to 18 sets of tiny toddler toes creaking down the stairs. There was nothing I could do, and God knows I wasn't going to jump out of bed to stop them, so I pulled the blankets up over my head and muttered an, "oh shit."
They flooded the room, screaming at the top of their lungs, and pulling themselves onto my top bunk, as well as Jeff's. They jumped on us, and started a chant..."WAKE UP LAZY BUMS! WAKE UP LAZY BUMS! WAKE UP LAZY BUMS!"
Rileigh led the chant, Morgan saddled Jeff's back, Lelaine stood at the doorway yelling threats, Dakota jumped up and down on my bed, Matthew pulled on my hair, and the rest of them just screamed their lungs out.
As irritated as I was, I had to laugh... what a way to start the day, right?
Lelaine yelled, "If you don't get up, we're going to leave you here while we go to Dollywood."
hah... Dollywood's a bore.
"Hey, Lelaine... leave me then. Let me sleep. Teach me a lesson," I replied, and so all the kids laughed and scrambled out of the room to "teach us a lesson."
mmmm, peace and quiet.
I'm alone in the cabin now... sitting out on the balcony, watching the fog roll over the mountain tops. It's quiet enough now to allow me to do some thinking.
So far, all that's come to mind is the time I have left here... only 2 days, and I know that won't be nearly enough.

It's going to require quite an effort to drag me to Naples, from here at "home."

The newest family addition...Marty.

I miss you, already.

As most everyone else in the cabin called it a night, I crept down from my top bunk, as quietly as I could, climbed three flights of stairs, and found myself a cozy corner of the couch in the loft, from which I now am writing. A small retractable reading lamp is extended from the wall bent over my lap, and the TV offers background noise for an otherwise silent cabin. I haven't had the chance to sleep much in the past couple days. I've gotten in maybe a few hours of sleep at the most, yet I can't seem to fall asleep now that I have the opportunity to do so.
I went for a walk tonight...wandered down the mountain side, jumped through a pile of big crunchy leaves, sat on the bank, and watched my breath against the cold night air as I decided I'd love to spend the rest of my life here. Something was missing though... your heart, beating in sync with mine.
Partially unsatisfied, I then walked back to the cabin to spend a while lying down before the warm fire...
All I wish is that you could see the view I've tried to explain to you so many times before. I want you to appreciate this like I do, to stand in awe of such beauty alongside me.
There is an empty spot beside me on this couch, an empty hand for you to hold, and an extra mug for hot chocolate...
It seems so simple, but they will probably always overlook such perfection.

It's going to be a long drive.

Jalapeno potato chips and trail mix generally do not make for a very nutritional breakfast; however, stopping at a Circle K at seven in the morning doesn't leave you with too many other options. I'm not complaining thogh. My tongue's on fire and it's enough to keep me from speaking my mind.
Trust me; nobody wants to hear what I have to say anyways...
I am currently sitting in a Toyota 4-runner, knees to my chest, and my laptop balanced atop. Unfortunately, I'm also watching my father dance to weird techno songs in between singing along with Celine Dion to the Titanic soundtrack. A CD of O.A.R. songs Justin put together for me last night, originally intended to help this drive pass by more quickly, actually has me thinking of him, wishing he were right here with me. My right buttcheek is asleep, but i have no where to shift my weight to, and so it will continue to tingle until we reach the top of Florida and I can get out of here long enough to get a good stretch in.
Ahead of us is a row of cars about seven deep, each of which are occupied by family members with walkie talkies. Each car has a "code name." Ben and Alicia's white truck is, "The White Whale," Brad and Steph's truck is "The White Midget," Kim and Kev's gold Commander is "Gold Digger," Shelly's van is "Party Girl," Kori's Commander is "Silver Seduction," Donna's Buick is "The Gay Mobile," (we still have no idea why they chose to call it this,) and our 4-runner is "The While Mobile." I suppose that our code name is in my honor, as I whined halfway through Florida that I had to pee, I was thirsty, I missed Justin, my dad's music was too loud, his driving was making me dizzy, I was cold, etc. You can't blame me too much though... I'm running on about an hour of sleep... if that.

my baby.

Not all who wander are lost.

Only a few months shy of 17, she loved the freedom of driving herself around- as did every teenager- but the places she loved most were the ones to which her own two feet could carry her. She was a simple girl...maybe the perfect example of a well-rounded being, and it took little to inspire, or excite her. She was outgoing as well, but sometimes she preferred to revel in only her own company.
Tonight she drove down the dark winding back streets of Naples. She had just dropped off her cousin, but she wasn't quite ready to go back home...wasn't quite ready to surrender to the night.
Catching sight of a deep, pitch black trail, she considered taking it. It didn't look like it could possibly lead anywhere, but she decided to give it the benefit of the doubt.
She parked her car in the closest deserted parking lot she could find, and ran across the empty streets and beneath the lonely street lights to peer in.
The crisp night air stung the tip of her nose,and pierced her lungs as she inhaled. She bent down, took off her shoes, pushed up her sleeves, and cuffed up her jean legs.
Maybe she would have been hesitant had an adrenaline rush not overcome her, but it had, and so she ran.
Shadows of tall dark trees and bushes did not allow even the luminous overhead moon to offer her a bit of light as guidance, but she kept on.
As this darkness enveloped the space around her, a silence like she had never heard before did the same. A silence that became a steady hum in her ears—a hum so loud she couldn’t think.... she didn't want to consider her thoughts anyways. She was alone; she didn't have anybody to explain herself to, anybody to hold her back, and it felt damn good.
Eventually the trail ended, and her pace slowed down to a casual stroll. Her determined sweat-gleaming face changed expressions, allowing a smile to spread wide, and her eyes lit up as they caught the moon's reflection on a still lake surface. There was an old swingset overlooking it. It looked as if it hadn't been put to good use in quite some time, and so she raced to it.
The feel of the coarse sand grains between her cold bare toes made her laugh, but not nearly as hard as the incredible feeling of being suspended in air over the water.
The man on the moon smiled down at her in her innocence. She smiled right back, ignoring the constant creaking of the old swing with every back and forth.
It was a night unlike any other for her. She felt so full of life, so... happy.
The emotion had never felt so powerful before.
She hardly gave herself the time to even process the thought before she had jumped from the swing, splashing into the chilly lake water below.
It was at that exact moment that she remembered why she had always encouraged surrendering to your impulses, being a little adventurous, and occasionally doing things on your own.
She picked up shoes, tied up her dripping hair, and swore she'd never live any other way.

rare, innocent, pure... straight from the heart.

"Are our brains constantly keeping our hearts in check? The brain reminds the heart of the past, the pain we've faced in broken relationships, and the hurt we may have caused others. Hearts are forgiving by nature but brains hold on to things and talk sense into us when it feels the heart is being exposed prematurely. When our hearts so desperately want to forgive, let go and love...our brains tell us to proceed with caution. Although the brain can warn and protect the heart it cannot dictate what the heart is feeling. sometimes you are so completely overwhelmed with genuine love for a person that little things slip past so quickly the brain can barely process what has happened. It's the little pieces of the heart that slip through that we need to grasp on to...the words that are spoken without fear or hesitation, they are raw...innocent and in their purest form. Take them and tuck them away...those words are rare."

I stand my ground while everybody else is giving in.

gingerbread houses!

I just realized I have yet to blog one of my favorite stories...

Last Friday night Justin and I were putting together a gingerbread house. Because it was his first, he was meticulously spreading the icing around with a butter knife, while I carelessly used my finger, licking the icing from it as I completed my task. He was taking the time to create a pattern in the miniature multicolored "christmas lights" on the exterior of the house while I took a handful of the candies and chucked them at the wet icing. He wanted to dust the house in powdered sugar to resemble snow; I'm sure I disappointed him, as I was more interested in dumping the entire bag over the house while yelling, "IT'S A BLIZZARD!"
We found a bag of Entemann's powdered doughnuts and stacked them to create a snowman, we put candy evergreen trees around the "snow deep yard" and decorated the roof with sprinkles.
This house was an ant's definition of heaven. It probably would have been really cute too if I had left Justin to decorating on his own.
Anyways, I decided we had to leave the gingerbread house outside so my cat wouldn't have the opportunity to jump through it and leave powdered sugar covering our kitchen floor, as entertaining as that would have been.
Once outside though, I picked one of the doughnuts up, the snowmans head, and chucked it at Justin. Then the second, and then the third. He scrambled about the yard, looking for the doughnuts to pick back up and throw back at me. Once he grabbed one up, he came closer intending to smash it all over me. But my reflexes intervened and I slapped him in the head with the tray the gingerbread house was sitting on, sending the 2 lb gingerbread house crumbling as it met his temple. He laid on the ground for a good few minutes before he sprang back up to pick a doughnut out of the grass and shove it in my mouth. It was bits of wet powdered crumbs and blades of grass that slid down my throat and left me choking.
After I managed to spit out the majority of this repulsive combination, I choked yet again... this time on laughter.

Everytime she gets a message, she wishes with all her heart that it's him. & for a moment she has butterflies. But the reality hits her hard & leaves her feeling stupid for ever considering it a possibilty that he'd have her on his mind

it was more of the inside joke,
fighting in the hallways,
make me laugh when im crying,
hold me when no one else was there,
you are my best friend,
fall in love kinda thing.

Feel the wind blow through your hair
enjoy the night without need to fear
feel the rain wash away your tears
and remember my darling...i want you here.

Wrapped in the thickest blanket she could find, she sat comfortably, toes snuggled beneath her, watching the Christmas tree. The ornaments rattled, and shook.. a few of them fell from the tree before her adventurous cat stuck it's head out from behind the branches.